140 sparksChapter 1: Pokémon
Martin: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
Chris, narrating: But he did not get his life in order. In fact, he went out late last night and fought a raccoon.
Chapter 2: Pokémon
Chris: Dammit, the printer broke while printing out Aviva's birthday invitations. Now the message is all wrong.
Martin: Well, what are they supposed to say?
Chris: 'Aviva's birthday'.
Martin: And what do they say instead?
Chris: 'Aviva’s bi'.
Martin: ...
Martin: Ya know, it honestly works out either way.
Chapter 3: Apparently Not
Chris: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!
Martin: Since when?
Chapter 4: Cheetah Kratts Are Best Kratts
Chris: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!
Martin, in Cheetah Form: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF OUR ACTIONS!
Chapter 5: Sinking
Martin: Chris, I know you snuck out to see Zach last night.
Chris: Please don't tell Aviva.
Martin: Hmmm... Five bucks?
Chris: Deal.
Chapter 6: Everybody's A Critic(al Thinker)
"If Murphy's Law is religion, then I must be a saint (what else explains semis coming from tunnels I paint?)."
— Operation: Desert Storm, an epic song on YouTube about Wile E Coyote.
I know this has absolutely nothing to do with the chapter, but it reminded me of it so now I have to spread awareness of this epic song.
Martin: Have you heard of Murphy’s law? The one where if something can go wrong, it will go wrong?
Chris: Yeah, I have.
Martin: Have you heard of Cole’s law?
Chris: Is this a joke about coleslaw?
Martin: …maybe.
Chapter 7: Yes, It Is
Chris: Martin, I beg of you; please, PLEASE go to the doctor!
Martin: Hey, I'm sorry; is this OUR stab wound??
Chapter 8: Extrovert Vs Introverts
Martin: A party is a celebration of a life, bringing people together to let the guest of honor know how much they’re loved. Aviva has done so much for us. This is our chance to do something for her.
Chris: By forcing her to have fun at a party that she doesn't want to be at?
Martin: I knew you’d understand.
Chapter 9: We've All Been There (Both Sides)
Martin: That sounds super! Doesn’t that sound super, Chris?
Chris: No.
Martin: I think I speak for Chris when I say it sounds really super.
Chapter 10: Literally Something My Sister Did At Around Midnight
She wasn't even continuing a previous conversation nor segueing into anything, she just SAID it with zero context.
Chris, walking into the room while holding a mug: The demons in my stomach crave milk.
Chapter 11: Yeah, Pretty Much
Chris: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, its 'intelligent' and 'really cool'.
Martin: But when we do it, we're 'petty' and 'need to let it go'.
Chapter 12: Life On The Edge (Of Sanity)
Chris: Isn’t it a bit dangerous?
Martin: Bro, please. We’ve been in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt.
Chris: ...
Martin: Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt.
Chris: ...
Martin: Alright, we escaped unhurt once...
Chris: ...Then hurt ourselves on the way home, remember?
Martin: No we– oh, right, we did.
Martin: Huh. Okay, maybe we're screwed.
Chris: And we're still doing it, right?
Martin: Of course we are.
Chapter 13: As Kids
Chris: Do you know that we are made out of atoms?
Martin: And atoms never touch each other.
Chris: So in his defense, Mom...
Martin: ...I didn't actually punch Zach.
//Bullying Prevention Day at school
Teacher: Chris, what would you do if one of your classmates viciously teased you again and again?
Chris: Oh, that’s easy. I’d take a pencil out of my pencil case–
Teacher: To write something to your teacher?
Chris: –make sure that it’s really sharp, and ram it into their eye at full tilt! My brother always says that humans don't have claws, so we have to be willing to work with what we do have; big brains and pointy sticks!
Teacher: [internal screaming]
Chris: Martin, what are you doing?
Martin: [shaking a blue, lion-shaped piggy bank] I’m just trying to figure out how much change I have inside.
Chris: You could always take it out and count it.
Martin: Where’s the fun in that?
Martin: [shatters a window and climbs through it]
Martin: [turns around and helps Chris through it] Breaking and entering is wrong, Chris.
Chris: Okay.
Chapter 14: Unleashed (Why These Men Shouldn't Be Allowed Within Fifty Meters Of A Zoo)
Martin: Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you’re a coward.
Chris: I– that's not–
Chris: So many new possibilities just opened up for me.
Chapter 15: Bowl Vs Bo-wol
Martin: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, alright? Are we cowabunga on this?
Chris, sighing: Fine. We're cowabunga.
Chapter 16: This Is Fairly Accurate
Martin: You use emojis like a straight person.
Chris: That’s literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.
Chapter 17: Playful
Martin, joking: You think that’s cringe? Parents around the world wait 9 months just to end up naming their kid 'Christopher'.
Chris, laughing: Hey, fuck you.
Chapter 18: Attempted Wingman
Martin: Why don’t you go talk to him?
Chris, sarcastically: Oh, yeah. Sure.
Martin: What? So you go tell him he's cute, what’s the worst that could happen?
Chris: He could hear me!
Chapter 19: Do It! Do It! Do It! (thisisahorribleideaohnostop) Do it!
Chris: This is a very powerful artifact. You’d be messing with incredible forces we don’t fully understand.
Martin: That sounds like a dare to me.
Chris: Oh my god.
Chris: Of course it's a dare. Now, are you a coward or what?
Chapter 20: Long Version?
Chris: So... what’s goin’ on?
Martin: You want the long version or the short version?
Chris, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?
Martin: Shit’s fucked.
Chris: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.
Chris: Long version?
Martin: Well, it was a stormy night in June, 197–
Chris: Medium version?
Martin: Shit's really fucked.
Chris: Hmm... Well then, back to the long version, I suppose.
Martin: 1975. The wind was howling across the plains, and the river was swelling far beyond the shore. Little did anyone know the disaster that was soon to unfold...
Chapter 21: Messing With Ya
Chris: There's something I have to ask about you-know-who.
Martin: Voldemort?
Chris: No.
Martin: Is it Voldemort?
Chris: It's not Voldemort.
Martin: You haven’t mentioned wizards once this conversation, so I’m gonna have to assume it’s Voldemort.
Chris: IT'S NOT VOLDEMORT!
Martin: Okay, okay, I get it! No need to yell. Continue with this not-Voldemort thing.
Chris: Okay, so I may have–
Martin: Is it Sarumon?
Chris: What?
Martin: Chris, I swear, if you lost the one ring again...
Chris: ...
Chris: How dare you. Of course I didn't lose it, it's in a safe hiding space.
Martin: Where?
Chris: Uh...
Chris and Martin: [argue about who's fault it is that the 'ring' is 'missing' and pretend to look for it for five hours]
Chapter 22: Works For T-Shirts, Blankets, Snacks, Etc Etc
Martin: Chris, is that my mug you’re drinking out of?
Chris: No, it’s mine.
Martin: It... looks just like the one I have...
Chris: You don’t have one like this anymore.
Chapter 23: Let's GOOOOO!
Martin: I think it's time to start fucking some shit up.
Chris: Oh no.
Martin: More like 'oh yes!'
Chapter 24: At Least It Isn't Boring
Martin: Things will get better!
Chris: ...
Martin: Okay, maybe they won’t.
Martin: But they will be terrible in new and interesting ways!
Chris: Hmm... That shouldn't make me feel better, yet somehow it does.
Martin: I know, right!?
Chapter 25: Tazzy Chris
Martin: Chris, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight?
Chris: Become a werewolf.
Martin: And what did you do?
Chris: Became a weretasmanian devil.
Martin: That's still bad!
Chapter 26: It Happens
Martin: Give me everything you’ve got!
Chris: All our friends secretly hate us.
Martin: Wait, what?
Chris: I possibly have anxiety.
Chapter 27: It Happens
Martin: Give me everything you’ve got!
Chris: All our friends secretly hate us.
Martin: Wait, what?
Chris: ...I possibly have anxiety.
Chapter 28: Repression — It's Good For The Soul! (NO IT ISN'T!)
Chris: You're ignoring all your problems, bro.
Martin: I know.
Chris: And you know it's an unhealthy coping mechanism, right?
Martin: I'm ignoring that fact as well.
Chris: ...
Chapter 29: I Remember This
Martin: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?
Chris: Your half of our room?
Martin: I... well, yes, but–
Chapter 30: Serious Business
Martin: Please, Chris, think of everything we’ve been through together; you can’t do this.
Chris: I’m sorry, big bro.
Martin: I’m begging you, don’t do it!
Chris: It has to be done.
Martin: ...
Chris: ...
Martin: ...
Chris: [places +4] U–
Martin: UNO! Haha!
Chris: You little–
Chapter 31: Decisions
Martin: A decision had to be made.
Chris: And you fucked it up!
Chapter 32: Pensilly
Martin: [aggressively throws pencil at Chris]
Chris, deadpan: Oh no. I’ve been stabbed. I have been impaled most grievously.
Chapter 33: Sorta Works Vice Versa As Well
Chris: Do you have a self-care routine?
Martin: 'Keep going, bitch' said to myself in different accents.
Chapter 34: Choo-Choo
Martin: Oooh, look, Chris; a train!
Chris: We’re at a train station, Martin.
Chapter 35: Nature Bois
Martin: Don’t trust everything you see on the internet.
Chris: Pfft. What possible nonsense could come from the internet? Oh, did you know that the Earth is actually flat?
Martin: [takes away Chris’s phone] Yeah, that's enough for you.
Chapter 36: Way Too Deep
This reminds me of my favorite Darkwing Duck comic cover...
We all know this isn't the end of the Kratts, but it is the end of this fic, so come back tomorrow for the second-to-last installment of Wild Quotes! Have an excellent day, everybody 🙂
//The Bros are dangling from a rope over a pit of fire
Chris: Remember when I said I’d tell you when we’re in too deep?
Martin: Yeah?
Chris: We’re in too deep.
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