0 sparksChapter 1: Hottest Smurf
Vanity: I am, without a doubt, the hottest Smurf in Blossom.
Smurfette, smirking: You do realize I was literally created to be irresistible, right?
Vanity: Yes, well, you were made by Gargamel. And we all know how his spells usually turn out...
Smurfette: ...
Watching Smurfs: [stunned silence]
Smurfette: [slaps him]
Watching Smurfs: [gasp]
Vanity: [slaps her back]
Watching Smurfs: [grab snacks as a slap-fight breaks out]
Later...
Alchemist: One day. I was gone for ONE DAY.
Alchemist: How the smurf did you manage to destroy so much of the village?!
Jokey: Please stop leaving Brainy in charge.
Brainy, outraged: HEY– [dam crumbles in the distance] Actually, you know what? You're right.
Brainy, utterly exhausted: [to Alchemist] Please stop leaving me in charge.
Chapter 2: Theatre Smurf Arc
Tailor: I'm hot, I’m tall, I'm gay, and I'm on my theatre kid arc.
Chapter 3: Brainy's Entire Life In A Nutshell
Brainy: We'll smurf about this later.
Literally any Smurf: Fine, I won’t be listening.
Chapter 4: Right To Remain Smurfy
Security: You have the right to remain silent.
Harmony: I choose to waive that right!
Security: Please don't–
Harmony: [loudly plays trumpet off-key]
Chapter 5: Nosey & Cam
Nosey, to Camera: Let’s write Editor a friendly note, shall we?
Nosey, writing: Dear... Incompetent... Dumbass...
Chapter 6: Clumsy Is A Clueless Cinnamon Bun
Clumsy: Hello, ah'm Clumsy! What's yahr name?
Nameless, Depressed Smurf: I'm nobody...
Clumsy: Nice ta meet yah, Nobody!
Nameless, Depressed Smurf: ...
Nobody, slightly happier: Nice to meet you too, Clumsy.
Chapter 7: Omniglot
Brainy: [yelling in Pixish]
Jokey: I know, I know.
Nosey: You speak Pixish?
Jokey: No. I jus' know th' phrase, 'this is all yer fault' in every language Brainy speaks.
Jokey: Which practically makes me an omniglot, now that I think about it...
Chapter 8: Smurfette's Talent Is Emotional Intelligence
Hefty: Do you even, cuddle, dude? Do you even lift… each other up with kindness? Do you tell your loved ones that you care about them regardless of who is listening? DO YOU EVER RESOLVE CONFLICTS, EMOTIONAL ISSUES THROUGH COMPROMISE AND COMPASSION RATHER THAN ANGER AND DENIAL?!
Boxer: ...what the smurf, dude?
Hefty, shrugging: I've possibly spent too long around Smurfette.
Hefty: My point still stands, though.
Chapter 9: Odd Couple, Possibly Siblings
Minimalist: Whatever happened to the concept of 'less is more'?
Hoarder: But if less is more, then just think of how much more 'more' will be!
Chapter 10: Brainy's Entire Life In A Nutshell 2
Brainy: Hopefully Grouchy has smurfed a valuable lesson about respecting other Smurf's feelings. Like Papa always says, we have to resp–
Grouchy: Oh, shut up and smurf, Brainy.
Chapter 11: In A Rocket Car Handy Built
Harmony, driving and singing to the Little Einsteins theme song: ♪We’re going on a trip–♪
Jokey: ♪In Handy's crazy piece of shit♪
Handy, insulted: Hey!
Harmony: ♪Doing 95♪
Scaredy: W-we’re gonna smurfing die!
Chapter 12: Boo, The Supernatural Smurf
Boo, jumping out a crate: YAAH!
Gutsy: ...
Scaredy: ...
Gutsy, deadpan: Ahh, no. Oh my smurf, you scared me so much. I am so very scared.
Boo: ...
Boo: [makes a sad face]
Scaredy, having a delayed reaction: [faints]
Boo: [grins]
Chapter 13: Explosions And Rumors, A Tale Of Two Menaces
Security, holding a slingshot: Are you or are you not enemies of Smurfkind?!
Nosey & Jokey, glancing at each other: ...
Nosey: That is such an open-ended question.
Jokey: Yeah, it really depends on a lotta different factors...
Chapter 14: Same Words, Different Meanings
Scaredy: S-sorry I’m late, everysmurf! I, I broke down on the w-way.
Smurfette: Oh no! Is your cart okay?
Scaredy: What c-cart?
Alchemist: ...Can somesmurf go get Mental, please?
Hefty: Already on it.
Chapter 15: My Favorite Smurf OC In A Nutshell
Smurfette: Hey, are you free?
Flirty, looking up from a romantic novel: No, I’m expensive.
Flirty, wiggling his eyebrows: Though, for you, I suppose I could be cheap.
Smurfette: ...nevermind.
Smurfette: [walks off]
Handy: Look, Flirty, I'm not slut shaming you but...
Handy: Actually yeah, no, I'm TOTALLY slut shaming you.
Flirty, rolling his eyes: Oh, smurf off.
Flirty, grinning: Or smurf me. Whichever, I'm not picky.
Handy: See? This is what I'm smurfing about!
Flirty, suggestively: I know something much better we could be smurfing about...
Handy: Uh... [hurries away]
Flirty, completely alone: [sighs] Finally! I smurfed they'd never leave.
Flirty: [enjoys his book in peace]
Chapter 16: Why The Smurf Do I Ship These Two??
Harmony: [plays trumpet loudly and out of tune]
Smurfs, with their hands over their ears: SMURF UP, HARMONY!!
Harmony: [frowns and tears up]
Tailor, to Smurfs: YOU ALL SMURF UP! HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT SUCH ART!
Tailor, to Harmony: Go on, I want hear how it ends.
Harmony: [hesitantly finishes his song]
Tailor, wincing from the sound: [smiles and claps] Encore! Encore!
Harmony: [tears up again, for a new reason]
Chapter 17: I Renamed Dimwitty Distractible/Dez
Dez: It's no' like ah tries ta blow thin's up, exactly. It just sorta happen.
Dez: Yah've gotta admit though, fire is fascinatin'.
Fire Marshall Martial: ...I've really got to find more volunteers.
Chapter 18: Glass Of Water
Smurfette: Life could be worse, Grouchy.
Grouchy: Life could be a lot better too!
Handy: You're right, Grouchy, it could.
Smurfette: You're taking his side??
Handy: It could be a lot better. Which is why we have to make it better. That's why I do what I do; I repair and improve that which can be better.
Philosopher: And here we see an optimist, a pessimist, and a scientist. Three very different mindsets, with pros and cons to each.
Philosopher: The optimist is satisfied with what they have, so doesn't seek more. The pessimist is convinced things can't improve, so they don't seek more. And the scientist–
[giant wooden robot is rampaging in the background]
Philosopher: –doesn't know when to stop seeking more.
Handy: You've got to admit, though [gestures to rampaging robot with his mallet] my way's a lot more fun.
Chapter 19: Normal's Overrated
Grouchy: Why can't you be normal?!
Harmony: [blows trumpet in his face]
Chapter 20: Not The Time For These Sorts Of Questions!
Nosey: Where are you going?
Gargamel: Eventually? Hell, probably.
Gargamel: But right now? Kidnapping you.
Chapter 21: Brainy Is 'Never' Wrong
Smurfette: Brainy, say you’re sorry to Harmony.
Brainy: Oh, I won’t do that. Apologizing is for the weak and wrong, which is why Harmony should do it to me, because he is weak. And wrong.
Smurfette: ...
Smurfette: PAPA!
Brainy: Wait, no–
Chapter 22: Info Dump — Lucky Is A Gambling Thief Who's Actually Pretty Unlucky In General Yet Very Skilled At His Chosen Profession (Crime)
Security: If you got arrested, what would be the charges?
Clumsy: Destruction o' property.
Lucky: Theft.
Harmony: Disturbing the peace.
Boxer: Aggravated assault.
Dez: Arson.
Handy: All of the above. In that order, probably.
Jokey Or Schemer: What do you mean 'if'?
Chapter 23: Group Portrait (Individuality Is Hard When You're A Smurf)
Poet: Wait, hold up, stop where you're sat; whyever did you draw yourself like that?
Painter: Like what?
Poet: Like with strong, gorgeous legs, muscles like eggs.
Painter: Uh, zhis is what I look like.
Poet: ...
Painter: ZHIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE!
Poet: Okay, then I want arms, big and beefy. Hot ones, strong one, would be smurfy.
Farmer: Ah wanna have a cowboy hat!
Painter: Oui, arms and hat. [draws them]
Lantern: Ooh, give me a cowboy hat too!
Painter: You can't just take Farmer's hat idea, Lantern! He thought it up all by himzelf like a good Smurf! Come up with your own zhing!
Lantern: BUT I WANNA LOOK COOL!
Jokey: Put Lantern on onea those stupid baby tricycles.
Lantern: NO!!
Painter: Tricycle, oui. [draws it] Baby, want anything?
Jokey, making finger guns: Pew pew.
Painter: A blaster?! No, zhat's not really our style, Baby.
Baby, making finger guns: Pew pew.
Painter: You know what, okay. [draws it]
Painter, sternly: But it's just for ze holding, not for ze shooting.
Baby: [happy babbling]
Chapter 24: Then Why Ask??
Miller: I have a 1:30 appointment.
Nurse: Which doctor?
Miller: ...We have more than one Doctor?
Nurse: No.
Chapter 25: I Would Watch An Entire Show Starring These Four
Trader: Unfortunately, I don't think we're going to have enough gold to get supplies from the human market this month.
Lucky: Thankfully, Gargamel has plenty we can steal.
Trader: I'm pretty sure he's broke, but it's not like I have a better plan… wait, shouldn’t we get somesmurf to help us?
Lucky: The only Smurf that might help us is Schemer, and I don’t really trust him… [looks over to Schemer]
Schemer: If you’re gonna smurf the law, clap your hands! [clap clap] If you’re gonna smurf the law, clap your hands! [clap clap]
Security: [facepalms]
Chapter 26: I Think I Might Ship Farmer And Honey
Farmer: Welcome ta Smurfing Applebees, d'yah want apples or bees?
Brainy: Bees???
Farmer: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES!
Brainy: Wait–!
[Honey approaches, holding a bee menacingly]
Chapter 27: Poor Security Smurf
Security: I'm against crime, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Half of Blossom: Spoilsport.
Chapter 28: Worrisome
Greedy: Well, you know what they say: can’t smurf a pie without losing a dozen men!
Tailor: Nosmurf says that.
Greedy: ...
Greedy: I may have a few apologies to make.
Chapter 29: I Keep Blanking Everytime I Try To Assign Smurfs To The Lines... In Other News, Mental Badly Wishes There Was Another Therapist In Town (WHAT IF SMURFETTE BECAME A THERAPIST???)
Idea vomit because I just thought of something: My idea for Smurfette is that she discovers a talent for emotional intelligence and gets renamed Empathy/Emi, but eventually that evolves into a talent for diplomacy so she becomes Ambassador/Amy and she becomes the next leader of Blossom... I just realized she could be Mental's apprentice in-between becoming Empathy and becoming Ambassador, helping take some of the workload off him and honing her emotional skills!
Basically this chapter is not a real chapter at this point, sorry :/
A: Assert your dominance over your friends by kicking them in the face, and then giving them a little smooch on the forehead!
B: Try that with me, and I'm punching you in the stomach.
A: And then giving me a little smooch on the forehead?
B: ...fine.
A: Yay! [goes to kick B]
C, watching: That's called toxic.
D: No, that's called jailtime.
E (Author?), writing down notes: I prefer to think of it as 'ideas'.
Mental Smurf, watching all of them: ...
Mental Smurf, unbelievably tired: Looks like I'm getting some new clients. Again. [sighs] Oh joy.
Chapter 30: Realizations (Maggie x Jokes 4ever)
Magician: There's no way he likes me back.
Actor: Jokey would face Gargamel for you.
Magician: Jokes would face Gargamel for fun.
Actor: Fair. But didn't he refrain from facing Gargamel last week, just to watch you practice juggling?
Magician: ...Oh my smurf, he likes me.
Chapter 31: Archenemies
Tracker: I am Tracker, I speak for the trees. Chop them down and I snap your knees.
Wild: [growls in agreement]
Timber: I am Timber, chopping's what I do. Get out of the way, or I will chop you.
Alchemist: ...
Alchemist: Poet, are you messing with my Spellbook again?!
Chapter 32: Karma
Gutsy, to Jokey: If karma doesn't hit you, I smurfing will.
Jokey, setting up water balloon traps randomly in the forest: Fair.
Chapter 33: Halloween
Farmer: Oh, they left tha bowl out?
Farmer: It says, “Take two pieces o' candy.”
Greedy: Nosmurf around though…
Greedy: [grabs the entire bowl and runs off with it]
Boo, jumping out of a bush: [distressed ghost Smurf noises]
Chapter 34: Odd Couple 2
Persnickety: I don't want to smurf you to clean your room again!
Sweepy: ...but you're going to anyways, aren't you?
Persnickety: Of course I am.
Chapter 35: I Don't Know What To Name This So I'm Just Going To Tell You That Flirty's Actual Job Is Teaching Dance, Specifically Tango
Flirty: I am not a whore, but — not that I’ve smurfed the math — if I were, I’d be the super classy kind that gets smurfed across the world to smurf in an underwater hotel.
Chapter 36: Phil And Grouchy Are ✨Best Friends✨
Philosopher: Oh, what a great opportunity to meet new Smurfs!
Grouchy: Yeah, me? I don’t like Smurfs.
Philosopher: Oh, well now that’s not fair, Grouchy. Have you met all of them?
Grouchy: I’ve met enough of them. Smurfs; what a bunch of bastards!
Philosopher: ...I like you.
Chapter 37: You Tell Him, Jokes!
Gargamel: Why won’t you all just lie down and surrender with dignity?!
Jokey: We don’t do anythin' wit' dignity!
Chapter 38: Wait... Do I Ship Them?!
Schemer: Thank smurf you were there, Security. I knew you wouldn't let your best friend die!
Security: I'm still going to arrest you, I just can't smurf that if you're dead.
Schemer: Whatever you gotta smurf yourself. Baby steps. It's hard smurfing out of your shell.
Security: ...I hate you.
Schemer: Love you too <3
Chapter 39: Handy And An Unnamed Smurfling Are Trapped In A Tower By Some Baddie Or Other
Unnamed Smurfling: If you’re going to suggest I try smurfing twenty feet down a pitch dark tower in the hope of hitting a couple of greasy little steps which might not even still be there, you can forget it.
Handy: There is an alternative.
Unnamed Smurfling: Out with it, then.
Handy: You could smurf five hundred feet down a pitch black tower and hit stones which certainly are there.
Unnamed Smurfling: ...
Unnamed Smurfling, spotting a shredded tapestry and some sticks: ...Do you still smurf your tools?
Handy: Yeah, of course. Why?
Unnamed Smurfling: How much do you trust me?
//Handy builds the first Smurf-sized hangglider, which they use to escape, much to his terror and the Smurfling's delight. From that day forward, the Smurfling is known as Glider Smurf.
Chapter 40: How Many Fighting Smurfs Live In Blossom? Too Many! :D
Berserker: Kick him.
Martial: This is the kind of quality advice I look for.
Chapter 41: Odd Couple 3
Pushover: I’m sorry, I really flew off the handle back there. It was like the handle was a bald guy going really fast, and I was his toupée.
Social: You didn't even raise your voice...
Chapter 42: I Feel The Need To Point Out That Boo ISN'T Currently Dead, He Was Brought Back To Life And Just Came Out A Little... Different
Brainy: Yeah, well I've never died so how do I know that God is real?
Boo: [cackles]
Chapter 43: Grouchy Is Rude™
Editor: Do you guys smurf the Blossom Times?
Grouchy: Only the funnies.
Vanity: What are you smurfing about? We always smurf Nosey's articles.
Grouchy: ...Isn't that what I smurfed?
Chapter 44: Wait, Nevermind, THESE Are My Favorite Smurfy OCs (as far as any Smurf is really an OC, I'm pretty sure other people have assigned these jobs to Smurfs before...)
Archeologist: I never would've gotten these artifacts sorted without you, Leo. I owe you one.
Paleontologist: That’s ok, Archie; you can just date me and we’ll call it even.
Archeologist: ...
Archeologist, grinning: Sounds fair to me!
Chapter 45: I Renamed Lazy Narcolepsy, And Insomniac... I'm Pretty Sure I Just Made Him Up
Narcolepsy: Truth or– [yawns] -or dare?
Insomniac: Truth.
Narcolepsy: How many hours have you slept this week?
Insomniac: ...
Insomniac: Dare.
Narcolepsy: Take a nap.
Insomniac: I don't like this game.
Narcolepsy: Zzzzz...
Chapter 46: Barista Brought Coffee To Blossom, She Is Beloved By All
Brainy: I may be studying too much; I haven’t slept in 72 hours…
Barista: I haven’t slept in 80. I’m the insomnia queen!
Insomniac: Ha! I haven’t slept in 90 hours, I’m aiming for an even 100.
Mental: ...
Mental, regretting his life choices: What the smurf is wrong with this village?!
Chapter 47: Fire Department Seeks Help
Clumsy: Guess who just found out tha difference atween wax paper an' parchment paper tha hard way?
Tailor: Wait, what’s the difference?
Clumsy: One yah c'n use in tha oven safely, an' tha other yah c'n also use in tha oven... if tha thing yah are tryin' tah make happens tah be fire.
Fire Marshall Martial: There have to be more volunteers out there...
Chapter 48: Gargamel In A Nutshell
Gargamel: The universe has let me live another day, and I'm going to make it everyone else's problem.
Chapter 49: Wasn't There An Episode That Went Something Like This?
//In the background, Scaredy is wearing a jetpack and screaming in terror while trying to fight a giant robot
Handy: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
Chapter 50: Odd Couple, Maybe Roommates 4
Persnickety, running into the room in a panic: WHY AREN'T THE PLATES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?!
Sweepy: What the smurf does that even mean?
Chapter 51: Omniglot (The Very Last Sentence Is Gibberish)
Everything else is easy to run through Google translate, but I figure you might have issues with Chatty's mixed language monologue. Here it is, more or less, translated:
Personally I think • it's a tad boring, • but whatever. • To each their own. • I'm glad you are well, • my friend Brainy, • though so very • sad for your loss. • Because, of course, • I win.
Nosey: What's going on?
Barista: Brainy and Chatty are facing off.
Nosey: Not again...
Brainy: Ciamar a tha thu, a Chatty ghràdhaich?
Chatterbox: Mat, ha te ?
Brainy: Dobře, dobře. Dnes zajímavé počasí, hmm?
Chatterbox: Personalmente creo гьеб цодагьаб чӀалгӀунеб жо, ku këriëëc ëbën. 對於每個人來說。Edzɔ dzi nam be wò lãme sẽ, larema Brainy, alhoewel so baie cwinya cwer pi tho peri. Because, of course, mwen genyen.
Brainy: I... What??
Chatterbox: Garble goosh na. Kalash-tay. [bows and walks off]
Chapter 52: The End :)
I have more Smurf Incorrect Quotes planned, but that's it for now, folks! Hope you enjoyed :)
Alchemist: Brainy, do you want to hear an alchemy joke?
Brainy: ...
Alchemist: Brainy?
Brainy: Oh, I'm sorry, Papa; were you hoping for a reaction?
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Comments carried over from AO3 (16)
These were left on the original AO3 posting and are shown as they appeared there.
Brainy realising he was not cut out to be a leader (yet) is one of my favourite tropes😁
I'm glad you like it.
I honestly don't think Brainy is meant to be a leader. I think he would live a happier life cooped up in a library researching whatever he wants and occasionally out-mad-sciencing Handy, if he could just stop being insecure and copying Papa in an attempt to gain respect...
Anyways, glad you like it!
Agree, with time as he grows in wisdom I believe he could manage a short-term situation as a leader, as if in an emergency, but to be THE leader, no, that's not for him.
Out-mad-sciencing, so true🤣🤣🤣 Never let those two put aside their differences and join their forces for a "genius" idea. Ever.😁
Hefty: You have the right to remain silent, Harmony. What you lack is the capacity.
😁
😂
Brainy: Just kick me out of the Village as usual, this is way more unsettling anyway.😁
😂
Flirty strikes again, yess, go my boi😁
Flirty is the best 😁
Glad you're enjoying.
Omg, this is hilarious🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣
I love how berserk Handy can be when he overdoes himself😁
Ikr? 😂
This is hilarious🤣🤣🤣
To be honest, sweet Poet is more than capable of pulling a stunt like this😁
Poet is entirely capable of doing this 😂
Persnickety
I love this word, sounds so whimsy😊
It really is a fun word.
Glad you're enjoying.
Smooth😏
Classic🤣🤣🤣
This could be my motto on my harder days😅
Definitely🤣🤣🤣 I loved that episode. Poor Scaredy, though🤣🤣🤣 Handy is giving off just as much mad scientist vibes as Brainy, he's just more practical.
Handy is a down-to-earth, entirely practical lunatic with a mallet who once added fireballs to a robot meant to take care of Baby.
Everyone is incredibly lucky he's too busy keeping the town from collapsing to really work on his personal projects.
Glad you're enjoying!
But of course he added, who wouldn't? 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Maybe that's the reason the others overwhelm him on an everyday basis with such minor repairs, because they fear his true powers😁
Ooooooooo!!!!!!! ×mic drop×
This was an amazing pun🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I really loved these incorrect quotes, they were so much fun to read! Thank you for sharing them with us!
(And if there will be part 2, I'll be here to enjoy them!)
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
There's a part 2 and 3 now. 😁
I'm so glad you enjoyed this fic 😊
Yass!!!! I'm gonna read them so hard!😍
You know, with Blossom being the village's name in this and Smurfblossom existing in this...I can imagine some confusion when someone asks where's Blossom as in where is the town and someone answers as if they're asking about Smurfblossom.
I kinda dislike how the female Smurfs have Smurf+plant names, so I ignore that, but that scenario is hilarious. 😂
I'm glad you're enjoying! 😊
Vanity: I am, without a doubt, the hottest Smurf in Blossom.
Smurfette, smirking: You do realize I was literally created to be irresistible, right?
Vanity: Yes, well, you were made by Gargamel. And we all know how his spells usually turn out...
Emotional damage! CRITICAL!
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