537 Avian Way

Chapter 1: Inspiration

Drake: Here is my wall of inspirational people.

Gosalyn: Is that a picture of you?

Drake: Yes, I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

—ALT—

Launchpad: Here is my wall of inspirational people.

Drake: ...Is that a picture of me?

Launchpad: Oh, ha, how'd that get in there..?

Chapter 2: Sneeze

Gosalyn/Drake: [sneezes]

Launchpad: Oh my Goddess, are you alright? Do we need to go to the hospital?! Do you want some soup? A blanket? How about a lullaby–

Literally anyone else: [sneezes]

Launchpad: Oh my Goddess, are you alright? Do we need to go to the hospital?! Do you want some soup? A blanket? How about a lullaby–

Chapter 3: Halloween

Gosalyn: Oh, they left the bowl out?

Honker: It says, 'Take two pieces of candy.'

Gosalyn: Nobody around though…

Gosalyn: [grabs the entire bowl and runs]

Drake: NO–

Chapter 4: Shortly After Being Adopted

Gosalyn: Uh, what are you doing?

Drake, trying very hard to be a person for the first time in years: Alphabetizing the dishes.

Gosalyn: ...

Gosalyn: What does that even mean?!

Chapter 5: Time

Launchpad: If DW says he'll be ready in five minutes, he will be.

Gosalyn: Yeah, no need to remind him every fifteen minutes about it...

Chapter 6: Crossover!

Lynn: You disgust me.

Gosalyn, eating a melted kitkat sideways: I realize this and I don’t care. [licks chocolate off of her hands]

Chapter 7: First Meeting

Darkwing: You’re an idiot.

Launchpad: That’s the charm.

Darkwing, five minutes later: Cluck, he's right.

Chapter 8: Guilty As Charged

Drake: The only thing my daughter is guilty of is being adorable!

Cop: And assault with a deadly weapon!

Drake: ...unfortunately, that tracks.

Chapter 9: Good Morning

Gosalyn: Good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer.

Drake: Please go back to bed, Sweetheart, it's too early to [yawns] deal with whatever you're planning...

Chapter 10: Cuddle

Drake: Sweetie, you've been cuddling with me for over an hour now.

Gosalyn: [muffled] Mm hmmm :)

Drake: ...

Drake, in his head: Dammit. I know I should be annoyed, but she's adorable!

Chapter 11: Questions And Answers

Launchpad: Remember everyone, violence is never the answer.

Drake: You're right, LP. Violence can't be the answer.

Honker: I don't like where this is going.

Drake: Violence is the question.

Gosalyn: And the answer is yes!

Launchpad: What? No!

Chapter 12: Two Large Fries

Drake: Launchpad, please calm down.

Launchpad: I asked for two large fries!

Launchpad: [dumps fries onto table]

Launchpad, distressed: But all they did was give me a MILLION LITTLE ONES!

Chapter 13: The Pros And Cons Of Dracula's Lifestyle

Darkwing: Dracula had it right; sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Darkwing, after meeting Gosalyn and Launchpad: I'd like to revise my earlier statement; Dracula was an idiot.

Darkwing, 0.5 seconds after meeting Herb: Except that last point, he was definitely on to something there...

Chapter 14: Stop Sign

Darkwing: Uh, Launchpad? You just drove through a stop sign without stopping.

Launchpad: It's okay, DW, I'll just stop twice on the way back.

Launchpad: Or I'll crash into it. Kinda depends on how the day goes.

Darkwing: Ah.

Darkwing: New rule; you fly the Thunderquack, I drive the Ratcatcher. PULL OVER.

Chapter 15: Happy And You Know It

Honker: Your dad doesn’t look very happy.

Gosalyn: That is his happy, he just likes to be overdramatic.

Drake: Hey, I will have you know...

Drake: [gleefully gives hour-long speech about why he is not overdramatic]

Chapter 16: Luck And Shredded Cheese

Gosalyn: May luck (and this picture of Launchpad eating shredded cheese at 3 in the morning) be with you.

Darkwing: You... Are a very weird little girl.

Gosalyn: I prefer spirited.

Darkwing, hugging her: So do I, kiddo. So do I.

Chapter 17: Oblivious

Gosalyn: This totally sucks.

Drake: This is horrible.

Gosalyn: Yeah, just look at today’s news; they're canceling Monster Muncher From Planet X season 4!

Drake: No, it’s not that, it’s Launchpad.

Gosalyn: What? You're mad at Launchpad?

Drake: It’s just, like... I can’t get him out of my head and every time I look at him I have these pains in my chest, and I just know it’s his fault, that jerk!

Gosalyn: ...

Gosalyn: Dad, you and Launchpad have lived together and raised a child together for years.

Drake: Yeah, so?

Gosalyn, tossing a throw pillow at him: So get a clucking clue, you lovesick idiot!

Chapter 18: Hug

Drake, super stressed: Given the circumstances, I am requesting a four to five second long hug.

Launchpad: Forty-five second long hug coming right up!

Drake: I said four TO five.

Launchpad, hugging him: I know.

Chapter 19: What If The Muddlefoot Bros Were A Bit More Of A Team?

Gosalyn: You are, of course, wondering why it is I have brought you here tonight.

Honker: Actually, after all these years, we just sort of go with it.

Tank: [nods in agreement]

Tank: So we destroyin' somethin' or not?

Gosalyn: No!

Honker & Tank: ...

Gosalyn: Okay, yes, but it's more complicated than that!

Tank: Really?

Gosalyn: Yes, really!

Honker: So it's not some petty attempt to force your dad to let you be a superhero?

Gosalyn: ...

Gosalyn: Listen, you in or not?

Honker, sighing: Just tell me what I'm hacking so I can get it over with.

Tank: Yes! Senseless violence!

Gosalyn: Violence with a purpose!

Gosalyn: But keep up that energy, we'll need it.

Chapter 20: Bullying Prevention Day at school

Teacher: Honker, what would you do if one of your classmates viciously teased you again and again?

Honker: Well, usually I go to Gosalyn...

Teacher: So she can help you tell a teacher?

Honker: No, she just beats them up for me. She says they can't outlaw self-defense, she'll just sue the school if they try to expell her for it, so she'll always be there if I need help.

Honker: I'm not entirely sure she's right, but I appreciate the thought. I don't know what I would do without her.

Teacher: [confused internal screaming mixed with aww, how sweet!]

Chapter 21: 'Fight Me' Is One Of My Favorite Phrases, Weirdly Enough, Despite The Fact I Almost Never Actually Say It

Honker, to bullies: F-fight me...

Gosalyn, standing behind him and holding a knife: [mouths] Do not.

Bullies: ...

Bullies: [run]

Honker: Wait, that actually work– You're standing right behind me, aren't you, Goz?

Gosalyn: ...No?

Chapter 22: Being Tall, Blessing Or Curse?

Honker: What’s it like being tall?

Gosalyn: Is it nice?

Tank: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?

Launchpad: We live in constant fear for the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs; two boxes; a small coffee table; and six oddly placed stools to get what they want.

Drake, in background: Launchpad, can you help me grab– wait, nevermind, I got it!

Launchpad, sighing: Oh no...

[loud CRASH in background]

Chapter 23: Find Someone Who Meets Your Standards, No Matter How High (Or Low)

Darkwing: I have very high standards, you know.

Launchpad: I built a plane that looks like your head.

Darkwing: ...huh, someone finally met my standards. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Chapter 24: Grounded

Launchpad: Sorry kid, but that’s it, you’re grounded! Go to your room!

Honker: I’m not even your kid... And I don't have a room in this house!

Launchpad: Oh right. Then go to Gosalyn's room!

Honker: ...

Honker: Okay, that works.

Launchpad: I sense I have made a mistake, but I'm not sure what it is...

Chapter 25: Breathe, Just Breathe

Launchpad: Breathe, DW, just breathe.

Drake, having a panic attack: I’ve done nothing of importance with my life! I’m a failure as a hero and a person!

Gosalyn: Awww, that never bothered you before, Dad.

Drake, glaring: Great pep talk, Goz. You should be a therapist.

Gosalyn: Hey, look, you're not panicking anymore!

Drake: What, I–

Drake, eyes wide: Huh.

Gosalyn: My work here is done.

Chapter 26: Best Friends

//Soon after moving in\\

Drake: LP, I think you might be my best friend.

Launchpad: Aw, really DW?

Drake: Of course, LP! Then again, you might actually be my only friend...

Launchpad: I'm sure that's not true.

Drake, chuckling: Come on, who else besides you and Goz could tolerate my egotistical ass? It's alright, Launchpad. You two are all I need in this world.

Launchpad: If you say so...

Launchpad, the very next day: Hey, DW, have you met our neighbors yet?

Drake: What?

Launchpad: This is Herb, and this is Binkie. I'm sure you'll have lots to talk about.

Drake: ...what?

Launchpad, pushing Drake into the same room as the Muddlefoots: Well, I've gotta run, bye! Have fun!

Drake: What?!

//And that is how Drake, not Darkwing, made friends for the first time since he was a child\\

Chapter 27: Hug Part 2

Drake, panicked: What are you doing?!

Launchpad, hugging him: ...showing affection?

Drake: Oh.

Drake: Do it again.

Chapter 28: Special Guest Appearance!

Elmo, gesturing to the Muddlefoots: Are these friends of yours, Drake?

Drake: Kind of? Not really. They're just in my life and there's nothing I can do about it...

Elmo: Oh, so kinda like–

Drake: Kinda like you, yes.

Chapter 29: Theft

Drake: Gosalyn, can you help me? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason.

Gosalyn, wearing a sweater that's 3 times bigger than her size: Spooky.

Chapter 30: Very Confusing

Gosalyn: STOP LISTENING TO THE HATERS, YOU ARE AN AMAZING AND INTELLIGENT PERSON! YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND AND YOU DESERVE THE WORLD!!!

Honker: You're yelling nice things at me again and it's very confusing!

Chapter 31: Kiss

Gosalyn: How do you know how to kiss? Like, who teaches you??

Honker: Well, it’s actually a class, but unfortunately it’s full right now.

Honker: Would you like me to tutor you?

Tank, choking on his cereal: Since when do ya clucking know how to flirt, Squirt???

Gosalyn: That was flirtin–? Oh!

Gosalyn: Yeah, spill it, Honk.

Honker: Is it so inconceivable that I merely–

Tank and Gosalyn: [flat glares]

Honker: ...I read it online.

Chapter 32: Summons

The demon Launchpad summoned, standing amidst the destroyed kitchen: How? How were you able to summon me?!

Launchpad, flipping through a cookbook as fast as he can: I don’t know!! You were supposed to be pumpkin soup!

Chapter 33: Mess

Drake: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO–

Gosalyn: It was me...

Drake: –be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.

Chapter 34: Secret

Gosalyn: Hey, Honk, what's a secret you've never told anyone before?

Honker: I still sleep with the blanket I had as a baby.

Gosalyn: Awww, that's actually–

Honker: I use it as a gag when taking people’s pets hostage.

Gosalyn, staring at him: ...

Honker: ...

Gosalyn, still staring at him: ...

Honker: That was humor. You're supposed to laugh now.

Gosalyn: OH!

Gosalyn: Yeah, okay, that makes so much more sense.

Honker: ...

Gosalyn: ...what?

Honker, looking crestfallen: You're not laughing. Was it not humorous?

Gosalyn: Oh, uh...

Gosalyn: Haha, it is to laugh. My sides hurt from the funny. Stop, stop, it is too much.

Honker, smiling: I told Tank I could be funny if I tried! Just wait until I tell him about this!

Honker: Do you think he'll find it as funny as you do? He doesn't have the best sense of humor...

Gosalyn, entirely serious: Don't worry, Honk, I'm sure he'll find it hilarious.

Chapter 35: States And Synonyms

Gosalyn: Hey, Honk, what state do we live in again?

Honker: I don't know about you, but I live in a state of constant anxiety.

Chapter 36: Knife

Drake: Hey, Goz. What do you have there?

Gosalyn, excited: [holds out giant steak knife] A KNIFE!

Drake: What?! Give that here this instant, young lady!

Drake: Who the cluck gave you this?

Gosalyn, pouting: Launchpad.

Launchpad, walking into the room: Hmm?

Drake, angry enough that he'd resemble Negaduck if he wasn't also panicking: LP, why in the world would you give Gosalyn a knife!?

Launchpad, oblivious: Oh, she wanted to show it to some kids at school. Some kinda show-and-tell, I think.

Drake, to Gosalyn: 'Show it to some kids at school', huh?

Gosalyn, who fully intended to threaten said kids with severe maiming if they didn't leave Honker alone: Yep, like Launchpad said, a show-and-tell.

Drake: Really?

Gosalyn, nodding: Uh-huh. My class are all big fans of large pointy objects.

Drake: ...

Drake, faux-cheerfully: What day is the show-and-tell? I don't want you carrying a steak knife around, but maybe I can come by and show it to the class for you.

Gosalyn: Uh...

Gosalyn: Gee, you know, I just remembered that they actually canceled that.

Drake: Guess you won't need the knife then.

Gosalyn: Yep, guess I won't.

Drake: ...

Gosalyn: ...

Launchpad: ...

Gosalyn: I'm grounded, aren't I?

Drake: Big time.

Launchpad: ...Did I miss something?

Drake and Gosalyn: Yes.

Chapter 37: Surprise!

Launchpad & Drake: Surprise! We're having a baby!

Gosalyn: What?

Launchpad & Drake: [pull out adoption papers] It's you!

Chapter 38: Late Night Thoughts

Launchpad: Hey, DW?

Drake, half-asleep: Wha'..?

Launchpad: Money is like president trading cards.

Drake: ...

Drake: Please shut up and let me sleep.

Chapter 39: Threat Level: Gosling

Launchpad: Hey Goz, how you doing? Get those kids to stop bullying the Honkman yet?

Gosalyn: Nope. Have you seen a hammer anywhere?

Launchpad, confused: What?

Gosalyn, grabbing a large hammer out of a drawer: Difficult times bring difficult choices, Launchpad.

Chapter 40: Burning Bridges

Launchpad: Happy Scorpio season. If you have to burn a bridge, do it safely!

Gosalyn: With napalm.

Chapter 41: Denial Of Affection

Drake: The Muddlefoots' existence is confusing.

Launchpad: How so?

Drake: Their presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of them upsets me.

Chapter 42: Price

Launchpad: Are you free today?

Drake: No, I’m clucking expensive every day.

Launchpad: Too bad. I was hoping you'd teach me how to play World Of Whifflecraft...

Gosalyn: Hey, look, you found Dad's price!

Drake: Hey–

Launchpad, hopeful: Does that mean you'll help me, DW?

Drake: ...

Drake, sighing: Of course I will, LP. Anytime.