Livin' With The Lords

Chapter 1: Inspiration

Negaduck: Here is my wall of inspirational people.

Lynn: Is it all just pictures of you?

Negaduck: Who else is there to be inspired by?

Chapter 2: Sneeze

Lynn: [sneezes]

Crasher: Oh my Goddess, are ya alright? Do we need to go to the hospital?! Do ya want some soup? A blanket? How about a lullaby–

Literally anyone else: [sneezes]

Crasher: Shut the cluck up or yer face and my fist are going to have a very unpleasant rendezvous.

Chapter 3: Halloween

Lynn: Trick-or-treat!

Lady: Oh, what a cute little fairy. Here you go sweetie, two pieces for such a great costume.

Lynn: If it isn't too much of an inconvenience, could I have more?

Lady: I'm sorry, bu–

Negaduck, brandishing his chainsaw: She said more.

Chapter 4: Shortly After Being Adopted

Lynn, dashing into the room: WHY AREN’T THE DISHES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?!

Negaduck: …what the cluck does that even mean?!

Chapter 5: Time

Lynn: If Papa says he'll be ready in five minutes, he will be.

Lynn: It's rude to bother him every fifteen minutes about it.

Crasher: Ya do hear yerself, right? Like, ya know how sarcastic that actually is?

Lynn, overly cheerfully: I'm sorry, but I haven't the faintest clue what you mean. [bats eyelashes innocently before grinning evilly]

Crasher: ...

Crasher: Boss, our daughter's scaring me again!

Chapter 6: Crossover!

Gosalyn: You disgust me.

Lynn, eating a KitKat with a knife and fork: I realize this and I'm sorry. [keeps eating exactly the same way while smirking]

Chapter 7: First Meeting

Negaduck: Y're an idiot.

Crasher: Aw, ya think y're the first person to say that to me? Cute.

Negaduck: I can and will maim you.

Crasher, chuckling: I bet ya could. Yer point?

Negaduck: ...

Negaduck: I don't entirely hate you. That's a new feeling for me, so tread lightly.

Crasher: Cluck off, we beatin' on Bulba or what?

Negaduck, panicking: The feeling of not-hate is growing! It burns!

Chapter 8: Guilty As Charged

Negaduck, disappointed: The only thing my daughter is guilty of is being adorable.

Cop: And assault with a deadly weapon!

Negaduck, hopefully: Wait, seriously?

Chapter 9: Good Morning

Lynn: Good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer.

Negaduck: ...

Negaduck: Please, Sweetheart, go back to bed. We can [yawns] maim someone after the sun's up, I promise.

Chapter 10: Cuddle

Negaduck: Kid... y've been cuddling with me for over an hour now.

Lynn: [muffled] Mm hmmm :)

Negaduck: ...

Negaduck: Cluck. I should be annoyed, but you're adorable.

Chapter 11: Questions And Answers

Lynn: Remember everyone, violence is never the answer.

Speck: Since when?

Lynn: Violence is the question.

Negaduck: And the answer is yes!

Crasher: I love this family.

Chapter 12: Two Large Fries

Negaduck: What's wrong with ya?

Crasher: I ordered two large fries!

Crasher: [dumps fries onto table]

Crasher: But all they did was give me a MILLION CLUCKING LITTLE ONES!

Negaduck: [spends 0.2 seconds calculating his response]

Negaduck: How dare they try to scam us? Let's go rob them and show them who's boss.

Crasher: [gleefully runs off to grab his missile launcher]

Negaduck: [chuckles fondly]

Negaduck, eyes wide: Oh shit, I'm in too deep...

Chapter 13: The Pros And Cons Of Dracula's Lifestyle

Negaduck: Dracula had it right; sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Lynn: And he had a really neat cape, just like you!

Negaduck: I guess my cape is pretty neat...

Negaduck: I mean, uh, dramatic capes are just a sign of a conquering ruler.

Lynn: Dracula was just like you!

Crasher: 'Cept he didn't have a chainsaw, so Negs is way cooler.

Lynn, nodding seriously: Hmm, fair point.

Negaduck: ...

Negaduck, definitely not touched: Okay, okay, so maybe ol' drac got that second point a little wrong.

Chapter 14: Stop Sign

Negaduck, in the Ratcrusher's sidecar: Hey, Crash? Ya just drove through a stop sign without stopping.

Crasher, steering the Ratcrusher: [pulls out missile launcher and shoots stop sign without looking]

Crasher: No I didn't.

Negaduck: You are the worst kind of person. And my kind of guy! [cackles]

Negaduck, pointing excitedly: Uh-oh, looks like we're about to pass another sign.

Crasher: [shoots it too]

Crasher, smirking: Sign? What sign? I don't see no sign.

Negaduck, grinning: Huh, me neither; must've been a trick of the– ooh, there's another one!

Chapter 15: Happy And You Know It

Tankard: Lord Negaduck doesn’t look very happy...

Lynn: That's his happy. He's just a grumpypuss.

Crasher: Careful, kid; complimenting people this early in the morning ain't good for ya.

Chapter 16: Luck And Shredded Cheese

Lynn: May luck (and this picture of Tankard eating shredded cheese at 3 in the morning) be with you.

Speck: I... Okay? Thanks?

Lynn, sweetly: Crush your opponents beneath you. Remember to have no mercy! [smiles brightly]

Speck, shaking his head and chuckling: Ya got it, girl!

Chapter 17: Oblivious

Lynn: Oh, how horrible!

Crasher: Downright terrible, kid!

Lynn: Maybe we should stop watching the news and focus on more positive things instead. Like fixing my toy guillotine, if it wouldn't be too big of a bother for you.

Crasher: What? No, I wasn't talking about the clucking TV, I was talking about Negaduck!

Lynn: You and Papa are having issues? Oh no!

Crasher: It’s just like, I can’t get him out of my head and every time I look at him I have this pain in my chest, and I just know it’s his fault, that whiny little bitch!

Lynn: Crash... You and Papa have lived together for years, right?

Crasher: Yeah, so?

Lynn: And you both take care of me.

Crasher: 'Course we do!

Lynn: And you go out to do things together all the time. Make each other laugh. Bandage each other's injuries...

Crasher: D'ya have a point to this, brat, or are ya just talking for the sake of it?

Lynn: ...

Lynn, grinning: Just that it is most definitely Papa's fault and you should tell him so. Immediately.

—later—

Crasher: LIVING WITH YOU MAKES ME SICK!

Crasher: [slams door shut as he leaves the room]

Negaduck, just returning home: What the cluck's wrong with him?

Lynn: He just likes you too much, Papa.

Negaduck, snorting: Yeah, sure kiddo.

Lynn, in her head: This has the potential to entertain me and the boys for weeks... Provided I fan the flames just right.

Lynn: [giggles melodically]

Chapter 18: Hug

Negaduck: Given the circumstances, I will let ya hug me for four to five seconds.

Crasher: Forty-five seconds?!?

Negaduck: No! I said four TO five seconds!

Crasher: [crushes him in a bear hug]

Lynn, jumping into Negaduck's arms and joining the hug: Too late.

Negaduck: I have maimed people for much less than this.

Lynn and Crasher: That's what we love about you!

Negaduck: ...

Negaduck, trying very hard to growl his smile away: Okay, okay, just stop it with the sappy stuff already!

Chapter 19: What If The Muddlefoot Bros Were A Bit More Of A Team?

Lynn: You are, of course, wondering why it is that I have brought you here tonight.

Tankard: Actually, after all these years, we just sort of go with it.

Speck: [nods in agreement]

Speck: So we wreckin' somethin' or not?

Lynn: Oh, Specky!

Lynn: Of course we are. Please get the plans from my bag, Tankard.

Tankard: Already on it.

Lynn: Aw, you're so sweet! Thank you so much!

Lynn: Anyways, there's a new park blocking my target practice, so we're going to do a teeny-tiny bit of redecorating. Don't forget your missile launcher, Specky!

Chapter 20: Bullying Prevention Day at school

Teacher: Lynn, what would you do if one of your classmates viciously teased you again and again?

Lynn: Oh, that’s easy, Miss. I’d take a pencil out of my pencil case—

Teacher: To write something to your teacher?

Lynn, distressed: Oh no, I'd hate to get someone in trouble!

Lynn: I'd write the bully a letter telling them how I feel and asking them to please stop. I'd try to find out why they're hurting enough to be such a meaniepants in the first place, and offer to talk to them about it.

Teacher: Oh, how sweet!

Speck: [snorts]

Almost everyone else in class, internally because they aren't that brave: Sweetly-worded? Yes. Deranged? Also yes.

Chapter 21: 'Fight Me' Is One Of My Favorite Phrases, Weirdly Enough, Despite The Fact I Almost Never Actually Say It

Speck, to a gang of full-grown brutes: FIGHT ME!

Lynn, standing behind him and holding a knife: [smiles sweetly and shakes her head]

Gang: ...

Gang: [runs]

Speck: Yeah, ya better run, cowards! Fear me!

Chapter 22: Being Tall, Curse Or Blessing?

Tankard: What’s it like being tall?

Lynn: Is it hard?

Speck: Do ya bang yer head on doorframes a lot?

Crasher: We live in constant amusement from the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs; two boxes; a small coffee table; and six oddly placed stools to get what they want.

Negaduck, in background: Crash, get yer tail in here and grab– wait, nevermind, I got it!

Crasher, chuckling: It's a lot of fun.

[loud CRASH in background]

Chapter 23: Find Someone Who Meets Your Standards, No Matter How High (Or Low)

Negaduck: I have very high standards, ya know.

Crasher: [is both blindly loyal and unflinchingly rude]

Negaduck: Apparently not as high as I thought, since y're meeting all of them.

Chapter 24: Grounded

Crasher: Alright kid, that’s it, y’re grounded! I found a rap album hiding under yer bed and it was the clean version. I didn’t raise ya to be such a wimp!

Speck: I’m not even yer kid...

Crasher: Of course ya clucking are, now go back to yer house and stay in yer room until dinnertime! And tell yer brother we're having casserole, would ya?

Speck: ...okay.

Chapter 25: Breathe, Just Breathe

Lynn: Breathe, Crash, just breathe.

Crasher: I’ve done nothing with my life! I’m a failure!

Negaduck, patting Crasher's back: Awww, that never bothered ya before.

Chapter 26: Best Friends

Negaduck: Crash, y're my best friend.

Crasher: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch, I'm yer only friend.

Crasher: I'M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YER PSYCHOTIC ASS!

Chapter 27: Hug Part 2

Negaduck: What are ya doing??

Lynn, hugging him: Showing affection!

Negaduck: How disgustingly cutesy.

Negaduck: ...do it again.

Chapter 28: Special Guest Appearance!

Lynn, gesturing to the Fearsome Four: Are these friends of yours, Papa?

Negaduck: Kind of? Not exactly. More like they're in my life and there's nothing I can really do about it.

Lynn, sweetly: So why haven't you horribly maimed them yet?

Negaduck: Well, I–

Negaduck: [can't think of an answer]

Fearsome Four, dancing in a circle: He likes us! He likes us! He really, really likes us!

Chapter 29: Theft

Negaduck: Lynn, have ya seen my jacket? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason...

Lynn, sewing doll dresses with strips of yellow cloth: Spooky.

Chapter 30: Very Confusing

Lynn, cheerfully: You are a dangerous and reckless individual, in strong need of guidance. Follow me and be successful. Don't and I'm afraid you'll regret it forever. [smiles brightly]

Speck: Y're saying vaguely threatening and insulting things in a sweet tone again, girl. It's very confusing...

Chapter 31: Kiss

Lynn: Crash, how do you know how to kiss? Like, who teaches you??

Crasher, panicking: Uhhh...

Crasher: I don't have time for these sorts of questions, brat. Go ask yer dad.

Lynn: Papa, how do people learn how to kiss?

Negaduck, also panicking but thinking faster than Crasher: It's a class. Ya sign up for a class and they teach ya and ya can't kiss before then.

Lynn: Oh.

Lynn: Can I sign up?

Negaduck: No.

Lynn: Why not?

Negaduck: There's an age limit. Y're too young.

Lynn: Well how old do I have to be, then?

Negaduck: Thirty.

Chapter 32: Summons

The demon Crasher summoned, standing amidst the destroyed kitchen: How? How were you able to summon me?!

Crasher, cocking a gun: I don’t know, but ya better as shell get unsummoned real fast!

Chapter 33: Mess

Negaduck: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO–

Lynn: It was me.

Negaduck: –be forgiven immediately.

Crasher: 'Cause everyone deserves a second chance?

Negaduck: No, ya numbskull, it's because I value being in one piece.

Lynn, giggling sweetly: Aw, you're so smart, Papa!

Chapter 34: Secret

Negaduck: Tell me yer secrets, Waddlemeyer!

Lynn: I still sleep with the blanket I had as a baby.

Negaduck: That's not what I–

Lynn, with a sweet voice: I use it as a gag when taking people’s pets hostage.

Negaduck: ...

Negaduck: There’s no punchline ‘cause it’s not a joke, is it?

Lynn, cheerfully: No-pe.

Chapter 35: States And Synonyms

Speck: Hey nerd, what state do we live in again?

Tankard: I don't know about you, but I live in a state of constant anxiety.

Chapter 36: Knife

Lynn: A present? For me? Why Crash, you shouldn't have!

Crasher: No problem, brat. Go on, open it.

Lynn, neatly undoing the wrapping paper: ...Is this a steak knife?

Crasher, cheerful: Yep! What d'ya think? I made sure ta get one with a pink handle, special for ya.

Lynn: Thanks, Crasher. I, uh... Love it.

Negaduck, watching: Ain't she a little young for a knife like that?

Crasher: Nah, boss — a kid's gotta have a way to defend herself, right? 'specially the kid of Lord Negaduck himself, huh?

Negaduck: Right...

Lynn: [doesn't actually have much experience with knives because she's nine, and almost cuts herself with the very large, very sharp blade]

Negaduck: [immediately snatches the knife away from her]

Crasher: Hey, what gives?

Negaduck: The kid's getting a pocket knife and some mace. If I see a knife this big in the house again, somebody's getting shot and it ain't gonna be me.

Crasher, confused: Alright, whatever ya say, boss.

Lynn: [smiles at Negaduck]

Negaduck: What d'ya want now?

Lynn: Oh, nothing, Papa. [giggles] It's just nice to see that you really do care.

Negaduck: I... I do not...

Negaduck: ...shut up, brat.

Lynn: Love you too!

Negaduck, head in his hands: [groans] Ya try to raise 'em all proper and cruel, and then they go and say shit like that.

Lynn, stern: Language, Papa.

Negaduck: ...sorry.

Chapter 37: Surprise!

Lynn: Surprise! You're having a baby!

Crasher & Negaduck: What???

Lynn: [pulls out adoption papers] It's me!

Chapter 38: Late Night Thoughts

Crasher, poking Negaduck: Negs. Negs. Boss.

Negaduck, half-asleep: What.

Crasher: Money is like president trading cards.

Negaduck: ...

Negaduck: Shut up and let me sleep.

Chapter 39: Threat Level: Gosling

Crasher: Hey brat, have ya seen that photographer jerk?

Lynn: I'm ever so sorry, but I'm afraid I haven't.

Lynn: Do you know where I might find a hammer by any chance?

Crasher, confused: What? Why d'ya want it?

Lynn, grabbing a large hammer out of a drawer: No reason, Crasher, just cute girl things!

Chapter 40: Burning Bridges

Lynn: Happy Scorpio season. If you have to burn a bridge, do it safely!

Crasher: With napalm.

Chapter 41: Denial Of Affection

Negaduck: Yer existence is confusing.

Crasher: How so?

Negaduck: Yer presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to ya upsets me.

Crasher: Aw, I love ya too, boss.

Negaduck: I, I did NOT SAY THAT!

Crasher, chuckling: Sure ya didn't, Negs.

Negaduck: I DIDN'T!

Crasher, smirking: Of course not, ya would never.

Negaduck: Well, I wouldn't.

Crasher: Uh-huh. Sure.

Negaduck: ...Stop that!

Crasher: Stop what?

Negaduck: Stop agreeing with me in a condescending, sarcastic way that actually means ya disagree with me!

Crasher: I have no idea what y're talking about, Negs.

Negaduck: STOP IT!

Crasher: First ya want me to stop agreein' with ya, now y're angry I disagreed with ya.

Crasher, shaking his head: There's just no pleasin' ya sometimes.

Negaduck: ...[facepalms]

Chapter 42: Price

Crasher: Boss, ya free today?

Negaduck: No, I’m clucking expensive every day, idiot.

Crasher: I need yer help ta spread some random chaos and destruction.

Lynn: Hey, you met Papa's price!

Negaduck, offended: I, that– I am not that cheap!

Crasher: The kid's not wrong, though. Ya kinda are.

Negaduck: ...

Negaduck, sighing: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's just get a move on, alright? [cackles] The city's not gonna blow itself up, after all!

Negaduck: Not unless Morg comes back to town, anyways...