Batfam Chaos

Chapter 1: Cast List

Batman -- Bruce Wayne, billionaire superhero.

Nightwing -- Dick Grayson, former Robin and circus performer

Red Hood -- Jason Todd, technically undead former Robin

Goodfellow -- Tim Drake, genius former Robin

Robin/Royal Robin -- Damian Al Wayne, half-demon biological son of Batman

Gargoyle -- Cassandra Wayne, mute daughter of two assassins (now Bruce's adopted daughter)

Oracle -- Barbara Gordon, disabled hacker and information broker

Spoiler -- Stephanie Greene, secretly the adopted daughter of Riddler

Kittyhawk -- Kitrina Kyle, super-thief and occasional antihero

Chapter 2: Flirting

Goodfellow, playfully: You have the right to remain silent.

Spoiler: I waive that right! *starts singing* Ooooh, there's hydrogen and helium..!

Kittyhawk, watching from the shadows: *whispers* No, Steph, we've talked about this! That isn't how flirting works!

Goodfellow: ...

Goodfellow: *starts loudly singing along with a flustered look on his face*

Red Hood, sneaking up on Kittyhawk to cuff her: It is when you're a geek.

Kittyhawk: Let me go or I'll claw your hood off.

Red Hood: ...That isn't flirting either.

Kittyhawk: *shrugs* It is for us.

Red Hood: *shrugs back and uncuffs her*

Chapter 3: Pep Talk

Nightwing: Who's turn is it to give the pep talk?

Gargoyle: -points at Robin-

Robin: Don't die.

Goodfellow, wiping away fake tear: Truly inspirational.

Red Hood: Too late.

Chapter 4: Patrol

Spoiler: Anyone d-

Nightwing: Drained?

Goodfellow: Demanding?

Robin: Demonic?

Red Hood: Demented?

Gargoyle, signing: Dumb?

Spoiler: -done with patrol... What is wrong with you people?!

Chapter 5: Armor Dog

Robin: What type of dog is this?

Superboy: That's a tortoise.

Robin, whispering in awe: Armor dog.

Chapter 6: Bowling

//while bored out on patrol

Goodfellow: Question -- how difficult would it be to bowl in a bee suit?

Red Hood: Not that difficult, probably, so long as you can move.

Nightwing: I'd assume about as hard as it is to bowl in a cheerleading outfit.

Nightwing: Wouldn't actually be any harder, but you'd get some weird looks.

Robin: Are... Are you speaking from experience?

Nightwing: -freezes-

Nightwing: ...No!

Goodfellow and Red Hood, simultaneously: Yes.

Nightwing: ...Maybe. To be fair, I joined anything vaguely gymnastics-related in highschool-- wait, Tim, how do you even know that? You weren't adopted yet?

Goodfellow: ...Definitely not stalking.

Chapter 7: Pose

Goodfellow: Pose as a team, because SHIT JUST GOT REAL!

Other Robins: -pose dramatically-

Spoiler: You guys look very cool, but must we seriously remind you-

Oracle, loudly over their earpieces: THERE'S AN EMERGENCY! STOP POSING AND GET CRIMEFIGHTING, YOU FLOCK OF UTTER LOONS!

Chapter 8: Problem

Red Hood, over earpiece: We have a problem.

Oracle: No, you have a problem. I have a bunch of idiots who keep making them!

Chapter 9: Maze

Spoiler, about to enter Riddler's maze by herself: -as if she didn't help build it- I know this isn't going to end well and I don't care! So don't you try to stop me, Tim.

Goodfellow: I wasn't stopping you, I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record our journey through the maze.

Spoiler: Our journey? Don't you think we should wait for Batman?

Goodfellow: Yeah, probably, but... I kinda really want to go through the maze. I love solving them! -smiles adorably- 

Spoiler: -blushes-

Chapter 10: Ghosts

Nightwing: I think I should be on a Ghost Hunter TV show.

Boston: I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

Chapter 11: Distraction

Red Hood: What do you think Spoiler will do for a distraction?

Nightwing: She'll probably, like, make a loud noise or throw a rock or something. That's what I would do.

Goodfellow: -snorts-

Several paint bombs explode in the distance, spraying purple and green sticky-paint. People run in terror as holographic dinosaurs appear.

Nightwing: ...Or she could do that. What the hell?!

Red Hood: -laughs- I take back everything I've said about her!

Goodfellow: Told you she was awesome!

Chapter 12: Darkness

Batman: I am darkness. I am vengeance. I am your worst nightmare. I can break a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night, fury incarnate, a honed weapon! I am--

Wonder Woman: A doll.

Green Lantern: A cinnamon roll.

Superman: A sweetheart.

Batman: ...

Batman: ...Stop it.

Chapter 13: Expendable

Batman: We're all in this together. If one of us fails, we all fail. Nobody is expendable on this team.

Red Hood: Sounds fake, but okay.

Chapter 14: Blocked

Boston, watching the team's shenanigans with concern: Do you feel like this has gotten out of hand, Flyin'?

Nightwing: I don't know... Feels normal enough for a group that's on the Justice League's blocked caller list.

Chapter 15: Problem

Jason, right after coming back to life: The universe has let me live, and I'm going to make it everyone's problem. -becomes Arkham Knight-

Chapter 16: Cover

Commissioner Gordon: Batman!? I thought you were dead!

Batman: No, just in deep cover.

Gordon: ...But it was an open casket.

Batman: It was very deep.

Chapter 17: Translate

Oracle, talking to the team: I reinitialized the entire command structure, retaining all programmed abilities but deleting the supplementary preference architecture.

Everyone except Batman, Nightwing, Goodfellow, and Spoiler: Huh?

Nightwing: She turned it off and back on again.

Everyone except Batman, Nightwing, Goodfellow, and Spoiler: Oooh...

Oracle: Isn't that what I said?

Chapter 18: Alive

Gordon, gesturing to Batman and Joker: How the hell are you still alive?!

Joker: Honestly, I'm jus' as confused as ya are.

Batman: Please, I once drowned myself twenty times in one night to increase my lung capacity; this was nothing.

Gordon and Joker: -stare-

Batman: ...or not that.

Chapter 19: Dangerous

Batman: If you ever feel stupid or weak or powerless, just remember that I am not. I am out there, I am very dangerous, and I am looking for you. Good luck.

Every criminal in Gotham: Okay, I'm never going out at night again.

Chapter 20: Sides

//Oracle finds out about all the riddling and manipulations that somehow puts Spoiler on both the Rogues' and the Bats' sides.

Spoiler: Thanks for not telling Batman about this.

Oracle, dumbfounded: I wouldn't even know where to begin to explain this.

Chapter 21: Threatening

//soon after Damian becomes Robin

Nightwing: The new Robin is okay.

Random thug: He's okay? He said he was going to break my legs! And don't tell me he didn't mean it, okay?! 'Cause he gave me they mackerel eyes; he meant it!

Nightwing: Dude, Robin threatened me. He threatens Red Hood every day. He probably threatened Goodfellow before breakfast this morning. It's what he does. Get over it.

Chapter 22: Danger

//Civilians need to be evacuated from an area

Red Hood: Quick, you must come with me! You're in great danger!

Some guy: Why?!

Red Hood: Because I'll hurt you if you don't.

Nightwing, with a squirt bottle: No! Bad! -squirts Red Hood- No threatening civilians!

Red Hood: -hisses like a feral cat-

Chapter 23: Underthinking

Superman (and literally everyone else): You're overthinking this.

Batman: You don't know the appropriate level of thinking, Clark. What if I'm underthinking?

Superman, gesturing to room full of anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-take-down-Batman plans and gadgets: You definitely aren't.

Every single plan ends up being needed soon after

Chapter 24: Shortcut

Goodfellow: Still not over how yesterday, when the Batplane landed, Nightwing said we arrived fifty minutes early because we took some 'shortcuts'.

Goodfellow: Excuse me, we were in the fucking sky, what do you mean???

Chapter 25: Failing

Nightwing: How do we get Hood to succeed?

Goodfellow: We use his stubbornness and horrible luck against him!

Goodfellow, to Red Hood: Stop failing!

Red Hood: Don't tell me what to do! I'll fail right now!

-succeeds gracefully, saving the day-

Red Hood: Dang it!

Chapter 26: Elaborate

Reporter: What is wrong with you?!

Every single Bat or Bat Ally: Loaded question. Elaborate.