Incorrect Batjokes

Chapter 1: Kids

//Batman is fighting Joker, but is interrupted by his phone

Batman: I'm sorry, it's my kids. I have to take it.

Joker, putting down a bomb: No worries, I understand.

Batman, to the phone: I'm in the middle of work, what- Jason did what?! Why? Tell Tim to give it back. Why not? ...what? Okay, Damian's grounded, and Cassie gets his deser- what?! Where's Alfred?... Of course he is. Okay, Dick, just put out the fire and schedule another therapy appointment for all of us. I've got to go, tell everyone I love them. Yes, even Titus. Goodbye..."

Batman: Okay, now where were we? What?

Joker, staring: H-how many kids do ya have?!

Batman, taking a second to think: Uh, biologically, legally, or emotionally?

Joker: Ya know wha'? All of 'em.

Batman, counting on his fingers: 1, 3, and... Over 5? But less than 10 -under breath- I'm mostly sure.

Joker, picking his bomb back up: Well, dat's cool. Must be hard on yer boyfriends, though, huh?

Batman, getting into a fighting stance: Oh, I don't date anyone who isn't already good with kids.

--later, in the Arkham inmate library--

Bookwyrm: Joker? Since when do you-

Joker: I need every book on parentin' ya can find, an' I need 'em yesterday.

Bookwyrm: Give me five minutes.

Chapter 2: Disappointed

Batman: Joker-

Joker: Oh no! 'Joker' in B-Flat! Yer disappointed!

Joker: -sprays Batman's suit with paint-

Batman: Why would you-?!

Joker: Angry's bettah den disappointed. Everyone knows dat!

Chapter 3: Lunatic

Batman: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?!

Joker: -shrugs- Probably 'cause I'm a dangerous lunatic wit' a long history of violence.

Batman: ...Oh, right.

Jason, from across the room, not even looking at them: I don't know how you keep forgetting that.

Chapter 4: Attention

Joker, in cuffs, about to be handed over to Arkham Orderlies: Be careful, I thrive on negative attention.

Batman: -kisses the top of Joker's head-

Batman: -gets in the Batmobile and drives off-

Joker, dazed: I, I guess positive attention's good too. If, ya know, yer inta dat sorta t'ing.

Chapter 5: Halloween

Batman, trying to get clues about the Rogues' next scheme: What do you want to be for Holloween?

Joker: Yers.

Batman: ...

Batman: ...Yeah, you're right, that would be pretty scary.

Chapter 6: Takebacks

Batman: I still have no idea how I'm attracted to you...

Joker: Yeah, well, now yer stuck wit' me. No takebacks, Darling.

Chapter 7: Blood

Batman: Did it hurt when you fell-

Joker: From heaven? Wow, Darling, I didn' know ya were such a flirt~

Batman: No, from the building!

Joker: ...

Batman: You've just been laying in an alley for fifteen minutes.

Joker: ...Really?

Batman: Yeah, I'm taking you straight to Arkham's medical wing.

---later---

Nurse: What's your type?

Joker: Tall, muscley, dark an' broodin', but wit' a hidden sense of humor-

Batman: She means your blood type!

Joker: Oh. Green.

---even later, after Harley has informed them of his blood type---

Joker: Can I go ta da rec room now?

Batman: No.

Joker: I'm bored!

Batman: Too bad, you're seriously injured.

Joker: Oh, please! Da Doc said all my bleedin's internal.

Batman: ...

Joker: Dat's where blood's supposed ta be!

Chapter 8: Bed

Joker: So, wha' would'ya do if ya were in bed wit' me?

Batman, in a good enough mood to flirt back: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?

Joker: Not really, it's got dese springs pokin' out.

Batman: ...

Joker: I found it in a dumpster.

Batman, under his breath: The one time I try to make a joke...

Batman, louder: Then I'd buy you a new bed and fall asleep on it.

Joker: Oh, haha, very funn-

Batman: Actually, you know what? We're getting you a new bed anyways.

Joker: Um...

Batman, grabbing his hand: Come on, I know a place that accepts cash.

Joker: Um...

---later, after Joker finds out Batman is Bruce Wayne--

Joker: Dat explains why he's so rich. Wait... Does he t'ink throwin' money at someone counts as flirtin'?!

Edward: Probably. Bruce Wayne is, like, tenth generation wealthy.

Joker: Oh my God, dis explains so much...

Chapter 9: Hardcore

Batman: Yeah, a partner sounds nice... But a supreme enemy you can make out with sounds a lot more hardcore.

Joker, overhearing: -gay panic mixed with happy jester sounds-

Chapter 10: Kiss

Joker, texting Harley: WHAT DA FUCK I WAS FIGHTING WITH BATSY AN' I SAID 'OOOH, YA WANNA KISS ME SO BAD" AND GUESS WHAT? HE DID. HE KISSED ME. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO???

Chapter 11: Game

//In the Batmobile, driving to Arkham

Batman: Do you want to play Twenty Questions?

Joker: Wha'?

Batman, awkwardly: Twenty Questions. It's a game. Do you want to play it?

Joker, lighting up: Sure!

Batman: Okay... What's your favorite color?

Joker, laser fucking focused: Triangle. Do ya like men?

Batman: ...

Batman: Okay, this was a horrible idea, being fun is overrated. I'm never taking advice from Dick again.

Chapter 12: Dating

Gordon: So, you two are dating now?

Joker & Batman: Yes.

Gordon: Why?

Joker: Well, I happen ta find Batsy very appealin'.

Gordon: Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Batman.

Chapter 13: Crush

Joker: Crushes are da worst. Whenever I'm around mine, I act completely ridiculous.

Batman: You always act completely ridiculous.

Joker: ...

Batman: Wait...

Chapter 14: Advice

Harley: Jus' be yerself, Puddin'.

Joker: Really? Pumpkin, I have one day ta win ovah Batsy's family.

Joker: How long did it take ya guys ta like me?

Scarecrow: Six months.

Riddler: A couple of years.

Twoface: Jury's still out.

Joker: See, Harley? Jus' be yerself -- wha' kinda garbage advice is dat?!

Chapter 15: Accessory

Selina: So, you're dating Jack?

Bruce: What, no! I'm just buying him accessories since he has terrible fashion sense.

Selina: That's literally a wedding ring.

Chapter 16: Romance

Batman: Why are you always trying to aggravate me?

Joker, setting up a bat-shaped explosion: 'Cause I nevah had a healthy example of romance?

Chapter 17: Hottub

Bruce: Do we really have to do this?

Joker: Please? -puppy eyes and pout-

Bruce: Oh, fine. -clears throat-

Bruce: Two bros!

Joker: Chillin' in a hot tub!

Bruce & Joker, in unison: Zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK!

Bruce, hiding a smile: Are you happy now?

Joker, snuggling into him: -happy jester noises-