41 sparksChapter 1: Battle
//Riddler, Joker, and Spoiler are hiding behind some crates in a warehouse. Police are looking for them.
Riddler, whispering to Spoiler: First rule of battle, sweetie: don't let them know where you are. Keep them in the dark, unable to catch you no matter-.
Joker, jumping out from behind the crates, waving his arms and jumping: WHOO-HOO! I'M RIGHT HERE! I'M RIGHT HERE! YA WANT SOME O' ME?! YEAH YA DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo! Ahhahahahaha!!!
Police: -raise their batons and shout, ready for battle-
Riddler, stepping out from behind the crates and switching his cane to sword mode, mumbling: -sighs exasperatedly- Of course, there are other schools of thought...
Chapter 2: Oven
That oven thing confuses me so much, lol. What's it from?
Joker: Eddie, I've recently learned somethin' very important.
Edward, half asleep: ...Huh?
Joker: Ya can say 'have a nice week' wit'out an issue, but ya can't say 'enjoy da next one hundred an' sixty eight hours' wit'out soundin' vaguely threatenin' an' insane.
Edward, screaming: Joker, what are you doing in my house at -checks clock- 04:28?!
Joker: I had an important question ta ask ya.
Edward: It couldn't have waited until tomorrow?
Joker: It's urgent! An' I needed a real smart guy ta answer it.
Edward, knowing the compliment's a trap but falling for it anyways: ...Fine. What do you want to know?
Joker: Why's it called an oven when ya of in da cold food an' ya of out hot eat da food?
Edward: ...What?
Chapter 3: Hush
Joker: I literally can't believe I let ya talk me into dis.
Riddler: I literally said 'I have an idea to prank Batman', and you just went along with it without question.
//This is pretty much what happened in Hush.
Chapter 4: Both
Edward: I can't tell if you're incredibly brilliant or utterly insane.
Joker: Well, on a good day, I'm both.
Sirens, cops shouting, explosions
Joker: Dis is not one of dose days.
Chapter 5: Fun
Joker: We have fun, don' we, Eddie?
Riddler: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.
Chapter 6: Glowstick
Riddler: Damn, the power went out.
Joker: Don' worry, I got dis.
Joker: -shakes rapidly and starts to light up-
Riddler: What? How-?
Joker: I swallowed a glow stick!
Riddler, on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU--
Chapter 7: Bounced
Riddler: You have one functioning brain cell, don't you?
Joker: Yeah, but it bounces around my skull like a windows screen saver.
Riddler: What?
Joker: When it hits a corner perfect, I'm allowed one good idea.
Cops appear, pointing their guns at the duo: We got a 911 call reporting a crime in progress!
Riddler, glaring at Joker: Please tell me that isn't why you 'borrowed' my phone earlier.
Joker, shrugging: It almost nevah hits da corner.
Chapter 8: Rubble
I wanted to work in the 'This is fine' dog meme, but couldn't figure out how.
Fire everywhere, rubble, alarms, Rogues running around screaming. Joker is sitting in the middle, playing solitaire.
Riddler: What's going on!? What happened to the hideout?
Joker: I dunno.
Riddler: How could you not know?
Joker: As someone who has a long history of not understandin' anythin', I feel confident in my ability to continue not knowin' wha's going on.
Chapter 9: Betrayal
Joker: Eddie, my ol' friend!
Edward: You betrayed me last time we saw each other. I spent three months in Arkham because of you.
Joker: Dat was obviously jus' my way of gettin' ta know ya!
Chapter 10: Normal
Edward: Why can't you be normal?!
Joker: -screams-
Chapter 11: Thing
Riddler: So, you're looking for information on this... thing, huh? Well, it must be from very far away.
Joker: Wha' makes ya say dat?
Riddler: If it's something that even I don't know much about, then I'm sure no one else has any clue what it might be. So it must be from far away. Impeccable reasoning skills, hmm?
Joker, sympathetically: Oh, Eddie... -unimpressed- Ya don' have da slightest idea wha' dis t'ing is, do ya?
Riddler: -screams-
Chapter 12: House
Edward: What are you doing here?!
Joker: I could ask ya da same question.
Edward: I live here. This is my house.
Joker: Okay, and..?
Chapter 13: Priorities
//Soon after they first met
Joker: Ya know, Eddie, it kinda feels like ya prioritize work ovah our friendship.
Edward: Maybe that's because I barely know and yet hate you?
Joker, considering: Hmmm... Nah! I t'ink it's 'cause yer too obsessed wit' work!
Joker: So I hid all yer tools.
Chapter 14: Super
Joker: Dat sounds super! Doesn' dat sound super, Eddie?
Edward: No.
Joker: I t'ink I speak for Eddie when I say it sounds really super.
Chapter 15: Fondness
Edward: When I met you, I thought you were a reckless, dangerous fool.
Joker: Wha' changed yer mind?
Edward: Oh, I still think that, I've just grown to like it about you.
Chapter 16: Mustard
The actual quote had the two words be 'your problem', but I'm more fun than that.
Riddler: Okay, fine, I can't do it. Help me, please!
Joker: Got two words fer ya.
Riddler: I bet they won't be helpful.
Joker, very seriously: Mustard garnish.
Riddler: I was righ- wait, what?
Joker: -proceeds to somehow use mustard garnish to fix everything-
Chapter 17: Aggravate
Riddler: Why are you always trying to aggravate me?
Joker: Friendship!
Chapter 18: Gut
Joker: Jus' trust yer gut!
Riddler: Jokes, I have anxiety. My gut is literally always telling me to abort mission.
Riddler: Especially around you.
Chapter 19: Best
Edward: The best person I know is myself.
Joker: Da best person I know is Harley.
Edward: Not Batman?
Joker: He's not a person.
Edward: What?
Joker: He's Batman.
Edward: ...why does that actually makes sense to me?
Chapter 20
This isn't an incorrect quote. This is almost-verbatim a conversation my sister and I had. I'm Riddler in this scenario, and my sister is Joker in most scenarios.
Edward: Why does it seem like Incorrect Quotes always fit us so well?
Joker: Oh, 'cause dey were all stolen from us.
Edward, chuckling: What?
Joker: Possibly from da future, maybe by aliens. Who knows?
Edward, no longer chuckling: What?
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Comments carried over from AO3 (3)
These were left on the original AO3 posting and are shown as they appeared there.
No clue, but now I'm trying to figure out why it's called an oven because somehow that made sense after the third read through.
I can't believe someone likes my fic this much. Seriously, thank you for all your nice comments, it really made my day.
Of course! You'll definitely get more as I keep going through them :)
:)
💜
*Batman tears his hair out trying to figure out why Joker's becoming a second Condiment King*
YES. 😂
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