Wayne Family Chaos

Chapter 1: Several Adoptions And A Smoothie

Tim: Since Nightwing won't go back to being Robin, I'm going to be Robin!

Batman: What? Where did you come from? How did you get into the Batcave!?

Tim: I did it because I'm Robin.

Batman: No, you aren't. Where are your parents?

Tim: Uh, Egypt, I think.

Batman: Who's supposed to be watching you?

Tim: Uh....

Batman: ...

Batman: ...Alfred! We're having a guest over for dinner! Set up one of the spare rooms!

Tim: What?

Batman, hugging him: You're mine now.

Tim: W-what?

Batman: Don't worry, I won't ever let anyone hurt you. You'll never be abandoned again.

Tim: What?

---many years later---

Tim: And that's how I became Robin.

Damian: ...So, Father just randomly adopted all of you, whether you were orphans or not?

Dick, Jason, and Tim: Yeah, pretty much.

Damian: Well, now that he has an actual son-

The other three: -glare-

Damian: -he won't have to keep adopting new sons.

Bruce: -walks in holding a small child and a smoothie-

Damian: Father? W-what is that?

Bruce: A smoothie. -sips smoothie and walks off-

Alfred, walking behind him: That is Cassandra. She's your new sister.

Damian: ...What?

Dick: You were right; he didn't adopt a new son.

Jason and Tim: -laugh their asses off-

Chapter 2: Dad Doesn't Want Dog, Family Gets Dog Anyways. Dad And Dog

//middle of the night, in the back yard of Wayne Manor

Damian: I've invited you here because I crave the most dangerous game...

Jason, nodding: Knife Monopoly.

Damian: I was actually going to say Assassin, but now I'm really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is.

Tim: Wait, what's Assassin?

Cassandra: -jumps out of a tree, dual-wielding swords-

Tim and Jason: -scream-

Damian: Scatter!

Dick, looking out the window, too tired to deal with this: Alfred! Bruce got me monkeys instead of siblings!

Tim, running for his life: How do you win Assassin?!

Damian: Don't die!

Jason: Too late!

Alfred, easily catching Cassandra: That joke is getting old, Sir.

Jason: That joke nev- oh, shit.

Tim: Busted...

Chapter 3: Jailtime

//Jason and Damian have been arrested. Dick shows up to pay their bail.

Dick: So..

Dick: According to this list Commissioner Gordon gave me, you two have been accused of: Armed Robbery, Vandalism, Assault, Grand Theft Auto...

Jason: We had a bad day.

Dick: And... TREASON?!

Damian: -shrugs- It was a pretty bad day.

Chapter 4: Moth

Tim, texting: Jason there's a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it?

No reply

Tim, texting: Pls hurry because I'm going to cry.

No reply

Tim, texting: Jason

No reply

Tim, texting: Jason

Jason, texting: Jason's gone. You're next. Love, moth. >:)

Loud thump on bathroom door.

Tim: -screams-

Cassandra, texting: Moth is gone. Love, Cassie :D

Chapter 5: Trouble

Alfred: I haven't seen Jason for fifteen minutes now, Sir.

Bruce: He's hanging out with Kitrina.

Outside a nearby window, Kitrina is seen driving a car with Jason in the passenger seat, Tim and Stephanie running after them in a panic. Neither adult looks outside

Bruce: There's no chance they staying out of trouble, is there?

Screeching, honking, several cars alarms and shouting

Alfred: Of course not, Sir.

Chapter 6: Is There A Shrug Emoji?

Bruce: You have to apologize to Dick.

Jason: Ugh, fine. -turns to Dick- Unfuck you, or whatever.

Jason: Live fast, die twice, leave in an epic explosion! That's what I always say.

Bruce: Please stop saying that.

Jason: Dear diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.

Bruce: We'll talk about this later.

Jason: Fine, I won't be listening.

Jason, in response to Bruce adopting him: He's trying to lure me into a false sense of security! Well, joke's on him; I've never felt secure in my life, I'm not about to start now!

Jason: I didn't want to do it, no one else wanted to do it, but it had to be done by someone.

Jason: So I made Tim do it!

Jason: I would do anything for the right amount of money.

---several explosions later---

Jason, in jail: THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS

Jason: The 'what the fucks' and 'why are you so dumbs' don't matter.

Jason: What matters is that I've got a shiny new gun.

Chapter 7: Dick Is The Only Sane Man

Cassandra, signing: Where did you find all this? -points at hoard of stuff in Damian's closet.-

Damian: Well, I... Hmm, I wouldn't call it 'finding', per se. What do you call it when you knock someone out and get their belongings?

Dick: Um, assault!???

Tim: Adventuring.

Jason: Tuesday.

Chapter 8: Each Of The Robins, Pre-Adoption

Dick: ???

Jason: I am very small and have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.

Tim: My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

Chapter 9: Wait, Is Tim Somehow The Normal One?!

Jason: -casually taking four stairs at a time-

Dick: -casually flipping down eight stairs at a time-

Damian: -casually walking down the banister-

Tim, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-

Cassandra: -somehow already downstairs-

Chapter 10: Damian's Studies

Damian: Father is making me study ethics. Is stabbing someone immoral?

Jason: Not if you're in a bad mood.

Tim: Depends on who you're stabbing.

Cassandra: -shakes her head 'no'-

Dick: YES??!!? What is wrong with all of you?!

Damian: How do ethical philosophers feel about aggravated assault?

Tim: Well, it's frowned upon.

Damian: Okay, but what about if the reason you want to assault someone is to make your life easier?

Damian: That's okay, right?

Jason: Yes.

Dick: ...

Dick: ...Alfred!

Damian, in the middle of lessons: So, surgery is basically just stabbing people to life?

Alfred: ...

Alfred: Please never become a surgeon.

Chapter 11: Did You Know That Damian Has A Giant Dragon Bat Named Goliath? 😜

Dick: I CAN'T DO IT!

Jason, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!

Dick: I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE!

Tim: WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US!

Dick: ...

Dick: I appreciate that,

Dick: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH--

Alfred: Sir-

Dick: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!

Bruce: Dick, we need to-

Dick: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.

Dick: YOU GOT TO LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'

Dick, gesturing to note that says 'borrowed Goliath for a bit, don't worry -- Joker': NOT FUCKING THIS!

Chapter 12: Slunchy

Damian, using an oven for the first time: Problem, I cannot tell if this food is over-sauced or undercooked.

Jason: Solution, just pop it back in the oven in the oven for another ten minutes. There's at least a 50% chance that'll fix it, right?

Dick: Result? Food has somehow become unpleasantly soggy and unpleasantly crunchy at the exact same time.

Tim: No better time than this to pull out my favorite word: slunchy!

Barbara: ...Put it away.

Chapter 13: I Dunno... Computerz?

Jason: How does that even work?

Tim, mocking him: hOw dO yOu UsE a cOmPUteR aNd KnOw wHaT'S GoiNg oN iT DoEsN't mAke SeNSe?!

Jason: Your face doesn't make sense.

Chapter 14: Gayness

Damian: This bloodline ends with me!

Tim: That's the fanciest way I've ever heard someone say they were gay.

Alfred: You should've heard how your father came out.

Chapter 15: Dr Who Is Fun (When It's Not Being Terrifying)

Jason: What, in the name of sanity, have you got on your head?

Tim: It's a fez, I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool.

Damian: -snatches the fez, throws it in the air-

Jason: -shoots it-

Chapter 16: Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody Do Your Share

-The Batkids, cleaning up the mansion-

Dick: It's easy, you just pick up the nearest piece of trash and throw it in the right bin.

Damian, to Jason: Alright, which bin do you want to go in?

Tim: He has to go in the black one -- bio waste.

Jason: ...

Jason: Alfred!

Damian & Tim: No, wait--

Chapter 17: Problem Child

Tim: I don't think Jason's the problem this time.

Dick: When are you going to get it? Jason's always the problem!

Jason: That's not true!

Dick: You're right, I'm sorry; sometimes it's Damian.

Chapter 18: Weapon

Damian: You were wise to seek help from the world's deadliest weapon, but you've got the wrong man.

Damian: It's not me. -points at Cassandra, who's holding five different blades of varying sizes- It's her.

Chapter 19: Oh No Phone Phone Bllllt (I'm Very Tired)

Alfred: -answers phone- Wayne Residence.

Jason: It's Jason.

Alfred: -sighs- What did he do this time?

Jason: No, Alfie, it's actually me. I'm Jason.

Alfred: What did you do this time, Sir?

Chapter 20: Big Bang Damian

Damian: I am not crazy! Father had me tested.

Chapter 21: Cassie Be Crazy

Damian: Small creatures are much more vicious because they have a smaller body to bottle up all their emotions.

Tim: Ridiculous. Give me some examples.

Jason: Wasps?

Dick: Chihuahuas?

Cassandra: -points at herself-

Chapter 22: Clapping

Bruce, to the family: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!

Silence

Bruce: When did you all become so depressed?!

Dick: You didn't clap either.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Shut up.

Chapter 23: Author Is No Longer Sleep Deprived

Jason: Do dragons fart fire?

Dick: I don't know.

Jason: I thought you went to college??

Dick: Why would that mean I know things like that?

Damian: For the record, it depends on the species.

Chapter 24: Poor Tim... Did The Site Turn Back On Early? I Thought It Was Going To Be Out For Ten Hours???

Tim: I have a bad feeling about this, guys.

Damian: Don't worry, you'll be fine.

Jason: Yeah, what's the worst that could happen?

Tim, being bailed out of jail the next morning: I am going to get you all, one by one.

Chapter 25: Law!

Jason: I've got an idea!

Tim: Does it involve breaking the law?

Jason: By now, don't you think that's a given?

Tim: I was trying to be optimistic.

Jason: Don't bother.

Chapter 26: Spear Fishing

Alfred: What are you planning to do today, Sir?

Damian: Todd is going to teach me how to play Go Fish.

Alfred: Oh, that sounds fun. -thinking- Finally, a nice, safe game.

Alfred: But don't you need cards for that?

Jason: Alfie, where do we keep the spear guns?

Chapter 27: Ah, The Joys Of Raising A Bunch Of Literally Insane Superheroes

Bruce, after the kids do something dumb and nearly die: Are you trying to give me a fucking panic attack?

Damian: Pretty sure we all are.

Tim: I wasn't.

Cassandra: -nods 'yes'-

Dick: I was trying to stop them!

Jason: I just induce panic naturally.

Chapter 28: Flirty Bitch

Kitrina: Crushes are the worst. Whenever I'm around mine, I act like an overly flirty bitch.

Jason: You always act like an overly flirty bitch.

Kitrina: ...

Jason: Wait...

Chapter 29: 'A'

Kitrina: It's impossible to make a sentence without using the letter 'A'.

Stephanie: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible -- yet difficult -- to form one without the specific letter. Here's one more to further disprove your theory.

Jason: ... Fuck you.

---later---

Jason: Hey, Tim! I bet you can't make a sentence without using the letter 'A'!

Tim: You thought you just did something there, didn't you? Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but numerous sentences can be constructed without employing the first letter of the English lexicon.

Jason: ....

Jason: Well, fuck you too.

Chapter 30: Lipstick

Tim: Happy Throwback Thursday! Here's a throwback to when Damian ate an entire tube of lipstick!

Damian, scowling: Why would it be food flavored if you can't eat it?!

Chapter 31: Alfred Is All Of Their Grandfather

Bruce: Don't let Damian do too anything dangerous.

Jason: Too dangerous by my standards or yours?

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Too dangerous by Alfred's standards

Jason: Smart. Damian will live longer.

Chapter 32: Updog

Tim: The results are in, I'm afraid you have updog...

Alfred, dusting: What is updog?

Tim: Dick! Get in here, I told you I could do it!

Alfred, who knew the joke but wanted to make Tim happy: -smiles fondly-

Chapter 33: They Really Care About Each Other

//In Blûdhaven

Dick: You really put everything aside and came all the way out here for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Damian: Several traffic violations.

Jason: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Cassandra: -holds up multiple empty Styrofoam coffee cups-

Tim: Plus, that's not one of Bruce's cars, and none of us has a driver's license.

Chapter 34: At This Point, I've Just Accepted That I'm A Batjokes Shipper

Joker: Why does Alfie always do laundry so quietly?

Bruce: So no one tries to help him around the house.

Joker: Why wouldn' he-?

Damian, crashing through the door on a wave of suds: Father, the clothes washing device is malfunctioning.

Alfred, walking in behind him with a mop, eye twitching: Sir, perhaps young Damian would benefit from some activities out of the house. Like a sleepover. A long sleepover.

Joker: Ah, okay, now I get it.

Chapter 35: Selina Cares About Bruce, But She Would Turn On Him For Half A KitKat

Bruce: Tonight, one of you will betray me.

Alfred: Is it me, Sir?

Bruce: No, it's not you, Alfred.

Lucius Fox: Is it me, Mr Wayne?

Bruce: Not you either.

Selina: Is it me, Bruce?

Bruce: ...

Bruce, mocking: iS iT Me, bRuCe?

Chapter 36: Creepers Are Wild

//In the Wayne Enterprises main building

Bruce, sternly, after security arrives to escort nosy reporters out: So, do you want to walk out of here or do you want to be carried out?

Vicki Vale, in defeat: Let's go.

Jack Ryder: Wait.

Vicki: Huh?

Jack: I'd kinda like to be carried out...

Chapter 37: Jon Kent Is Superboy

Jon Kent: Why would you spend your allowance on this?

Damian, putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: They live outside. They need this.

Jon: Oh. Okay, that makes sense.

Jon: Can I help?

Damian: Can you steal more allowance from my father?

Jon: ...That's not how allowance works.

Chapter 38: Knife

Damian: Lady, what is that you have?

Cassandra: -holds up giant stake knife-

Damian: Okay, have fu-

Dick: NO!

---later---

Dick: Why would you give a knife to Cassie?!

Jason, shrugging: She felt unsafe.

Tim: Now we feel unsafe!

Jason: I'm sorry...

Jason: Would you like a knife?

Chapter 39: Flapjacks On The Grill

Alfred: How would you like your pancakes?

Jason: Plain.

Cassandra, signing: Blueberries.

Dick: With sprinkles!

Damian: Chocolate chips.

Tim: Ketchup.

Everyone except Alfred: -stares at Tim-

Tim: What? It's good.

Chapter 40: Zootopia Was Fun, I Hope They Make More

Dick: -plays Try Everything-

Dick: Woo.

Dick: Time to listen to this on loop for all eternity.

Tim: Genius coping mechanism, my friend.