Chapter 2: In Which Everyone Learns What Their Job Is
[Haigha]: Okay, are you two loons FINALLY okay with your names?
[Dormouse]: Not particularly.
[BruceTheBat]: No. But we really need to move on, so it's fine.
[Hatta]: My dear friend, why does your name makes you so upset? To me it looks like a perfect fit!
[Dormouse]: Whatever, it's fine.
[Dormouse]: It's better than Green Weirdo, at least.
[BruceTheBat]: You do not get to complain after changing my username to I Fill The Hole In My Heart By Collecting Fellow Orphans But Deep Down I Know It Won't Work.
[See Ya Later Waylon]: he has a point nigma that was a low blow
[Clownette]: Yeah, Eddie. You lost that one.
[Ivy]: Accept it with grace, riddle face
[Hatta]: I'M THE ONE THAT RHYMES (AS DOES JONATHAN AT TIMES)
[Ready For My Close Up]: Look out, Pammy, I think you made the munchkin mad
[Hatta]: Munchkin
[Haigha]: Oh no
[Dormouse]: Jervis have mercy he doesn't know!
[Ready For My Close Up]: What? What's happening??
[Hatta]: YOU DARE TO COMPARE
[Hatta]: ME TO THAT GARBAGE
[Hatta]: YOU SIMPLETON WANNABE ACTOR
[Clown1]: oooh, hatty's getting savage!!
[Hatta]: THE WIZARD OF OZ IS A TRASH BOOK FOR TRASH PEOPLE
[Ivy]: Look out, Clay, I think you made the Hatter mad
[Ready For My Close Up]: Fuck you Pammy
[Ivy]: No thanks, I'm happy with Harls
[Dormouse]: Oh my Gotham
[See Ya Later Waylon]: asjehosjlde WHAT
[BruceTheBat]: You can't just SAY things like that!
[Clownette]: Like you haven't heard us say worse, Bats
[BruceTheBat]: Unfortunately true.
[BruceTheBat]: Now if we could finally move on to the assignments?
[Haigha]: Thank Gotham
[Ready For My Close Up]: FINALLY
[BruceTheBat]: ...let's just get this done before the day ends
[BruceTheBat]: First off, Joker. You're the new Chemistry teacher.
[Clown1]: that is a horrible horrible decision and I applaud whoever made it.
[BruceTheBat]: Trust me, if I was in charge of these assignments you wouldn't even be allowed out of your room.
[Clown1]: gee why you trying to lock me in a room, Batsy?
[Clown1]: ya know I'd actually be fine with that if I had some COMPANY
[Clown1]: 🦇 🤡 ❤️
[BruceTheBat]: Ignoring that...
[BruceTheBat]: Quinn and Jones, it's school policy to always have a male and a female PE teacher, so you'll be sharing that.
[See Ya Later Waylon]: ye cause that will make rhe kids feel mkre comfortable with mutant criminals as there teavers.
[Clownette]: Oh, PE! I can start doing gymnastics again! THANK YOU BATS 🥰🥰🥰
[BruceTheBat]: Again, I didn't assign these. But you're welcome.
[BruceTheBat]: Tetch, you're teaching Literature. Which means you'll have to talk about authors OTHER than Lewis Carroll.
[Hatta]: No need to worry, dear Bat, I can certainly do just that.
[BruceTheBat]: Objectively. Without insulting or ranting about them.
[Hatta]: That might be a tad harder.
[BruceTheBat]: Crane, you've got psychology.
[Haigha]: Oh joy.
[Haigha]: This nonsense again.
[Clownette]: Come on professor, you had fun teaching sometimes, right?
[Haigha]: Only when you were in class, child
[Clownette]: Aw, professor 😍
[Ivy]: Stop it, Crane. The more Harley likes you, the less I'm allowed to hate you..
[BruceTheBat]: Biology class goes to Isley
[Ivy]: What no please
[Ready For My Close Up]: Haha, you've gotta teach a bunch of teenagers how they're bodies work 😂😂😂
[BruceTheBat]: Clay gets Drama class. Which is apparently also art class in this school, wtf?
[BruceTheBat]: I really need to pay more attention to the quality of education in this city...
[Ready For My Close Up]: YES! YES! YES!
[Dormouse]: No fair, why's he the favorite??
[BruceTheBat]: Because he didn't change my name to Buttman.
[BruceTheBat]: And again, I don't actually control what you guys teach.
[BruceTheBat]: If I did, you never would've gotten Computer Sciences, Nygma.
[Dormouse]: I'm sorry what
[Dormouse]: I'm getting access to systems outside the closed chat network?
[BruceTheBat]: Yes.
[Dormouse]: ...who's in charge of this program, again? Because I'd like to have them committed.
[Dormouse]: And yes, I do in fact see the irony in that, but STILL.
[Nora's Husband]: I shudder to think which topic I will be expected to teach.
[BruceTheBat]: General Sciences.
[Nora's Husband]: That actually isn't too bad.
[Nora's Husband]: Thank you.
[BruceTheBat]: I DON'T CONTROL ANY OF THIS
[BruceTheBat]: Oh, and I've got to tell you guys that you need to teach the students any languages you might know and are 'encouraged to pass on useful skills'.
[Dormouse]: Wtf?
[Two For One Special]: What the Hell kind of school is this??
[BruceTheBat]: One where Criminology, Law, and History are all considered the same class.
[BruceTheBat]: Which is what you're teaching.
[Two For One Special]: WHAT??
[BruceTheBat]: [sent a link]
[BruceTheBat]: Use that to start preparing for classes. They start next week.
[BruceTheBat]: If you'll excuse me, I need to go ask some people some questions.
[Clown1]: with your fists, right?
[Clown1]: Batsy?
[Clown1]: Darling?
[Clown1]: ya need ro go ask some people some questions with your fists
[Clown1]: say it Batsy
[Clown1]: SAY IT
[BruceTheBat]: Fine .
[BruceTheBat]: I need to go ask some people some questions. With my fists.
[Clownette]: OH MY GOTHAM HE DID IT
[Clownette]: HE ACTUALLY PLAYED ALONG WITH MR J'S STUPID REQUEST
[Dormouse]: Batman's got a cru-ush
[Dormouse]: Batman's got a cru-ush
[Hatta]: Batman's got a crush!!
[Haigha]: Aw fuck, not both of you
[Dormouse]: You have no choice, Jon. This is a cult and you joined years ago.
[Hatta]: You know he's right my Hare, my heart.
[Hatta]: Of our nonsense, you're forever a part.
[Haigha]: Fair point. Batman has a crush.
[BruceTheBat]: Shut up, you're all delusional.
[Ivy]: I'm with Batman, no one could ever possibly love Joker
[Ivy]: Except Harley, but I won that ages ago
[Hatta]: Well that's a little mean, don't you think? I mean, The SS Batjokes has yet to sink.
[Dormouse]: The clown isn't ENTIRELY detestable, after all. I'm sure SOMEONE will return his affections someday.
[BruceTheBat]: Hm. Entirely possible.
[See Ya Later Waylon]: wut
[Ready For My Close Up]: DID HE REALLY JUST..?
[Clown1]: ...Batsy 💜
[Nora's Husband]: Well that was unexpected.
[Two For One Special]: And by unexpected you of course mean ENTIRELY EXPECTED
[Ivy]: Tell me you did not just quote Dr Doofenshmirtz
[Two For One Special]: Harvey likes cartoons, there's not much I can do about it.
[Two For One Special]: Yeah but Harv's the one that quotes them.
[Two For One Special]: Shut. Up.
[Two For One Special]: MAKE ME
[Ready For My Close Up]: Wait, how did you know it was a quote, Pam? I had to look it up.
[Dormouse]: Quite obviously Harley forces her to watch cartoons on a regular basis
[Clownette]: Yeparoodledoo! :D
[See Ya Later Waylon]: u ok joker u been quiet
[Clown1]: fine I'm fine
[Clown1]: it's just
[Clown1]: he's gonna like me back someday, right?
[Clown1]: I love our game n everything but he's EVENTUALLY gonna admit it
[Clown 1]: isn't he?
[Clownette]: Oh, pudding! Of course he will.
[Clownette]: Batsy will come around one of these days, you'll see.
[Hatta]: And even if he doesn't, it won't be the end of the world.
[Hatta]: If I hadn't lost my Alice, I wouldn't have found my March Hare.
[Hatta]: We will be here for you either way, dear friend.
[Hatta]: Won't we?
[Haigha]: If I must.
[Dormouse]: Yes, yes, whatever.
[Nora's Husband]: I wish for everyone to find their Nora. That includes you, Joker.
[Clown1]: u guys are amazing. I hope u kniw that.
[Dormouse]: I hate the way you text. I hope you know that.
[Clown1]: Oh, eddie
[Clown1]: course I do XD
[Clownette]: Got anything to say, Red?
[Ivy]: Ugh, alright.
[Ivy]: I'm sorry.
[Ivy]: But only because Harley's making me say I am.
[Clown1]: I 4give ya
[Clown1]: but 4 exactly the same reason
[Ready For My Close Up]: Harley's really the glue that holds this group together, ain't she?
[Dormouse]: Uh, duh? Even Croc knows THAT.
[See Ya Later Waylon]: HEY
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Comments carried over from AO3 (16)
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PLEASE write more!!! 🤍🤎♥️❤️💙💚💛💜🖤🧡🩷🩶🩵🫀❤️🔥
It has been done! 😁 😁 😁
Happy spooky season! 🎃🎃🎃
🎃🎃🎃
The frozen-hearted mad scientist is all their dad, and the undead-tree feminist is their aunt. This should tell you how crazy Gotham is 😂
Seriously, amazing fic 😍, can't wait for the next chapter!
Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed! 😁
This is a lot of fun! (I can't keep track of everyone and don't know a couple characters but that's on me and it's still soo good!!!)
1 Gothams Plant Queen - Poison Ivy
2 Bruce The Bat - Batman/Bruce Wayne
3 Dormouse - Riddler
4 Ready For My Close Up - ClayFace
5 Haigha - Scarecrow
6 Hatta - Mad Hatter
7 Emperor Penguin - Penguin
8 Nora's Husband - Mr Freeze
9 Kitty Cat Burglar - Catwoman
10 Plant Princess Harley - Harley Quinn
11 Royal Fool - Joker
12 Two For One Special - Two-Face
13 Croc - Killer Croc
14 Manny - Manbat ➖ Langstrom
Hope this helps!
Poison Ivy is a reborn feminist & plant activist, who has a poisonous kiss, that can hypnotize men.
Riddler is an obsessive genius, who dresses in green spandex, and does does crime and leaves clues. He also makes giant mazes, which he traps people in. He is obsessed with batman and showing his intelligence. He got cancer, cured it with the Lazarus Pits, and came back and became a villain. He has a ❓ shaped cane. His theme is question marks.
Batman is a rich man who saw his parents murdered when he was a kid. He left Gotham, trained for many years, and now fights crime in a bat suit (and keeps adopting kids/sidekicks).
ClayFace is... A giant pile of goo? He used to be an actor, and thinks his roles are who he actually is (schizophrenic). He can also shapeshift.
Scarecrow is an ex psychologist, who specialized in fear. He now dresses as a scarecrow and spreads his Feartoxin (a substance that makes you relive you worse fear, tho that varies depending on series), he also used to be a teacher, and it is a popular head canon that he taught Harley. He also hates Christians, and has religious trauma from his great-grandmother.
Mad Hatter is an ex neurologist, who went insane, thought he was the mad hatter, and that his coworker was Alice, hypnotized her, and speaks in rhymes (tho this writer usually tones down his worse parts, as well as other characters worse parts).
Penguin is a rich mobster? Pretty much the only non-insane rogue. He almost never gets caught, if he does he goes to an actual prison, not the asylum. The most successful out of all of them, if you ask me. He also runs the Iceberg Lounge, hotspot for crime in Gotham.
Mr Freeze is the saddest batman villain... He does crime to try and save his dying wife, who is currently in cryostasis. He is stuck in a survival suit? Kinda like a space suit, he is stuck in it, because he requires below freezing temperatures to survive (because of a lab accident). He uses technology to freeze things in his crimes. He is a cryogenics scientist. 🩵 His wife's name is Nora.
Catwoman is a cat burglar, who dresses as a cat. She flirts with batman a lot. She is very sassy. Her and Bruce (batman) were friends as kids. They both fall in love as Selina (her savilian identity) and Bruce, while fighting as Catwoman and Batman, not knowing each other's identities.
Harley Quinn was a psychologist at Arkham, with some mental issues of her own. She was assigned to joker, fell for him, helped him escape, and became a villain with him. She dresses as a clown (a Harlequin), and works with joker. She is basically the embodiment of cotton candy. She acts kinda like if you gave a child a bunch of candy and coffee, and then set them free in an amusement park. She is also good at acrobatics.
Joker is an insane clown. He was a low-level criminal, who worked for a criminal ring called the Red Hood, until they had him pretend to be their leader, batman fought him, and he fell in a vat of chemicals. He somehow survived, but lost his sanity. He is obsessed with batman (and in love with him). The accident bleached his skin, and turned his lips bright red and his hair green. He dresses a a clown (a joker) and poisons people with his joker venom (which in canon makes them laugh, and then kills them, tho in fannon people often soften that so that it just makes them laugh, or makes them go into a coma). He is Batman's greatest foe.
Two-Face was an amazing lawyer in Gotham. Trying to clean up the city. He was a friend of Bruce's. He also had split personality disorder. Through out high school and his adult life, he pushed down any violent or aggressive thoughts, which became Big Bad Harv. All of which he was able to hide and manage, until an accident happen, leaving half his body covered in scars, leaving him blaming the police and batman for this, and letting Harv out to play. Harv formed to protect young Harvey, but ended up becoming the scum he hated most. As they fight against each other, they use a special coin to decide who makes the decisions.
Killer Croc is... A deformed crocodile-man? Sorry, honestly don't know much about him.
Manny is Manbat ➖ Langstrom. He is kinda a character made by this author? (Tho taken from a real character?). Manny is very adorable, and basically a giant child. Everyone loves Manny. Cannon - Langstrom a scientist who studied bats. He experimented on himself, mixing bat DNA into his, turning himself into a kinda a giant bat. Bruce Wayne (batman) made a cure for him, turning him back into a human. Langstrom reinfected himself (on purpose), and turned himself back into Manbat. He was also mistaken as batman at first.
Hope this helps!
PS: most my understanding of this comes from fandom and my sisters ramblings. So, maybe take this with a grain of salt!
PS: my sister just told me that Langstrom did NOT purposely reinfect himself (depending on cannon the cure was faulty, it was a split personality, the stuff that turned him was addictive, or someone else reinfected him). I was thinking of creeper (a different character, who is basically mini-joker, and I like to change him so that he is Joker's adopted son). My bad.
Ohmygosh this is so amazing!!! (also THE RIDDLER WAS IN THE PITS?! WHAT?!) THIS IS SO GOOD! I feel like this should be pinned to most fannon works so those of use who just read the fics know what's happening!!! <3
Glad I could help 😊
I made it into a fic! 😊
https://archiveofourown.org/works/75081156
I'm so glad you like it! Thanks!
Yeah, with as big a cast as Batman as, this fandom really is a coin toss on knowing who anyone is 😂
I'd explain, but it seems like someone beat me to it... How kind. :)
OMG this is amazing!
Vic just coming in and fixing it 😂 he is ALL of their dad 😂
Please write more! 🥺🧐
Thanks! No more yet, sorry :/ Glad you enjoyed, though! 😁
One of the funniest things I have read in a while, speant a good amount of time laughing inbetween in each bit
Aw, thank you! I absolutely LOVE knowing I made someone laugh. 😁 😁 😁
(Previous comment deleted.)
Thank you! 😍
I'm glad you enjoyed it 😀
(Previous comment deleted.)
Ah, sorry, but no. People close to me have dealt with scammers, hackers, and even stalkers in the past, so I don't connect with anyone online unless I know them in real life. And besides that, I don't really use social media. I'm glad you like the fic, though! 😁
Those nicknames are diabolical. Also not a foc I'm gonna read in class I had to wheeze so hard so many times. I think my highlight was "the last of the waynes"
1) Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying and like the nicknames. I love knowing I made someone laugh 😊
2) What does foc mean?
3) Why do so many people read my fics during class?? 🤣
1) you're welcome 😊
2 I meant fic. My phone broke I can barely type anymore 😭
3) bc class is boring lol
Dang what school r they in
Ours still has chemistry equipment from a past country (no joke) and our sun system tables sill list Pluto as a planet.
Also I want Joker as chemistry teacher I'm bad at it anyway might as well die in school 😭
A very, very crazy school, is what they're in XD
Okay, so I was homeschooled and I knew school equipment is usually outdated, but I didn't know it could be THAT bad 😯
I'm glad you're enjoying the fic 😊
I love it
Where I'm from home school isn't allowed so I assumed my pain was universal lol
Can't be a public school that's for sure lol
It weirds me out that they can ban homeschool anywhere. Parents should have the right to teach their kids themselves. Formal, external schooling should always be optional, in my opinion.
It doesn't help that public schools basically all suck XD
Ok now I gotta ask what scarecrows nickname means. Mabye I'm nott American enough to understand?😭
Oh, right, I forgot that this isn't common knowledge — in 'Alice Through The Looking Glass', it's revealed that the March Hare and the Hatter have actual names: Haigha and Hatta.
1. How does Fries type when he has gloves on
2. ENSLAVING people as TEACHERS is just double cruelty someone call human resources or the un or whoever is in Charge for that
3. How is a mental asylum for the criminally insane worse than a public school (especially in America no offense)
4. Joker is right. Coffee isn't fun
i laughed so w my life at Harv's contact name 😭
The nicknames are the best part of a chat fic, honestly XD
Glad to know I made you laugh. Query: what does 'so w my life' mean?
Thanks for commenting! :)
NOT TWO-FACE TALKING TO HIMSELF KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
It's not Twoface if he's not talking to himself 😂
I'm glad you're enjoying! 😁
Lol, now I want an entire fic about the kids school group chat 😆
[Dormouse]: My friendship with Oswald may have involved a little bit of mild childhood brainwashing, but it's one I cherish nonetheless.
WTAF 😂😂😂
I love Eddie+Twosie SO MUCH! THEY ARE ADORABLE!!!
The amount of times I had to muffle giggles bc my spouse is sleeping probably exceeded once per chapter I love them <3
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