Incorrect Smurflings

Chapter 1: A Fool-Proof Plan

Piggy: Okay, I got an idea ta smurf outta this situation, but y're gonna hate it.

Glider: Do it, we're desperate.

Piggy: Okey-dokey.

Piggy, shoving Haberdasher out of their hiding place: YO, GARGAMEL, OVER HERE!

Haberdasher: Why me?!

Rev: !YGGIP

Rev: !ymene eht ot sdneirf frums t'nod sdneirF

Rev: ...wait, that's not right–

Gargamel: Oooh, a little Smurf all by himself. How fortunate — for me! [evil cackling as he tries to grab Haberdasher]

Haberdasher, running around Gargamel's hovel: Piggy, my dear, I am going to smurf you for this! Help, help, help, HELP!

Glider: How is this a plan again?

Piggy: Wait fer iiiiiiit~

//A book suddenly falls off a shelf, tripping Gargamel into a supply closet. A key floats off his belt as the closet door slams shut, a broom falling over to lock it in place just as the key unlocks the front door.

Cheshire, fading into existence: Howeverrr am I supposed to sleep when you'rrre smurrrfing up such a rrracket, Dash?

Haberdasher: Chess! My hero! [grabs Chess and hugs him closely] Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you–

Chess, actively struggling but not disappearing: Nope, no on the hug, I don't do hugs, Dash no put me down, Dash–

Piggy: Ta-da! A fool-proof plan.

Rev, Glider, and Feral: [oohs and ahhs, clapping]

Rev, Glider, and Feral: [eyes widen as their gazes shift to behind Piggy]

Rev, Glider, and Feral: [scatter]

Piggy: Uh... [turns around to see Chess grinning far too close to her face]

Piggy: Oh smurf.

Cheshire: Plan?

Piggy: I c'n explain–

Haberdasher: She sacrismurfed me to Gargamel to trick you into smurfing us!

Piggy: Tattle-tale!

Cheshire, eyes narrowed, still staring intensely at Piggy: Did she, now?

Piggy: Hehehe... I'm in danger.

Chapter 2: Rev Is A Tad Manipulative, But At Least He Has Good Reasons!

Cheshire: All of yourrr existences arrre confusing.

The Smurflings: How so?

Cheshire: Yourrr prrresence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me forrr some rrreason.

Haberdasher: I do believe that's smurfed friendship, old mate.

Cheshire: Ah.

Cheshire: ...I don't much carre forrr it, I think. How do I get rrrid of it?

Haberdasher, upset: Oh, well, I suppose if that's what you really want, you could just–

Rev: Stop smurfing out with Dash forever and ever.

Cheshire: Hmmm... Well damn, I smurrrf I'm stuck with it, then.

Haberdasher: [happy hat Smurf noises]

Chapter 3: Savage

Gargamel: [stays up days on end planning how to catch Smurfs]

Gargamel: Evil never sleeps!

Gargamel: [passes out]

Piggy: But apparently ugly smurfs plenty of rest.

Chapter 4: Denial, Meet Fact

Cheshire: Love is a sign of weakness and an evolutionarrry mistake.

Glider: You are literally curled up in Dash's lap right now.

Cheshire, purring loudly while Haberdasher scratches between his ears: I'm afrrraid I fail to smurrrf yourrr point, dearrr. Love is still beneath me.

Haberdasher: [frowns softly but keeps patting Cheshire]

Cheshire: ...oh Smurrrf up — you'rrre my best frrriend, I have to love you.

Haberdasher: [grins brightly]

Cheshire, covering his face with his tail: SHUT UP.

Chapter 5: After Luring Gargamel Into His Own Trap

Glider: Ha! Don't you know that the smurfer's smurf can smurf the smurfer!?

Glider: ...I must be losing it, I'm quoting Mr. Brainy.

Chapter 6: Squirrelly See, Squirrelly Do

Cheshire: I do so apologize forrr smurrrfing the worrrd 'fuck' in frrront of Ferrral. It will not happen again, I assurrre you.

Glider: You literally just smurfed it again.

Feral: ...fuck :3

Cheshire, unapologetic: I am not a rrrole model.

Chapter 7: You Can't Teach A Young Smurf Old Tricks

Piggy: I taught Feral a new trick. [throws ball] Fetch!

Feral: [just stands there]

Haberdasher: Don't you smurf that such a thing is a bit insulting, luv? Our dear wild friend is not an animal (despite all appearances to the contrary), after all.

Glider: Yeah, and he didn’t even smurf it.

Piggy: I taught him ta ignore social conventions an' mockin' behavior from other Smurfs, an' ta tink fer himself before he listens ta somesmurf.

Feral, sticking his tongue out: [gibbering sounds] Ball taste yucky.

Piggy, nodding: An' that.

Chapter 8: A Question For The Ages

Haberdasher: Whyever is it smurfed an oven when you of in the cold food and you of out hot eat the food?

Feral: [confused squirrel noises]

Chapter 9: Halloveen 🎃

Piggy, curious: Why did'ya guys dress up as each other fer Halloween?

Glider, flat: Cheshire was the scariest thing I could smurf of.

Cheshire, amused: Gliderrr told me that I should smurrrf the dumbest costume possible. I was happy to oblige.

Chapter 10: Many Years Ago

Cheshire: [holds up Haberdasher for other Smurfs to see]

Haberdasher, waving: Hullo :3

Cheshire: I’ve only smurrrfed this crrreature for a day and a half but if anything happened to it I would destrrroy everrrything in this village and then the rrrest of the forrrest itself.

Haberdasher: Please don't.

Cheshire: You don't smurrrf a say in this, dearrr.

Haberdasher, shrugging: Alright, then. Continue on as you were, I suppose.

Cheshire, in a scary voice: DOOM AND DESPAIRRR UPON THOSE THAT DARRRE SMURRRF MY NEW PET.

Haberdasher, a tad cross: You know, I rather feel the need to protest that wording, actually–

Chapter 11: IDK 🤷‍♀️ It's Silly

Haberdasher: Pardon the intrusion, my dear, but–

Glider: On this moment or just my life in general?

Haberdasher: On this moment. I make no such apologies for the rest, you knew what you were smurfing into when you befriended me.

Glider: Fair. Shoot.

Haberdasher: So I was wondering how you felt about high-altitude water balloon ambushes...

Chapter 12: Possible Crush, Definite Crash

Glider: You smurf what your problem is?

Piggy, sarcastically: Please, ensmurfen me, oh wise wingman.

Glider: You're really cute, so no one ever told you to smurf your pie-hole!

Piggy: Well, at least I– wait, ya tink I’m cute?

Glider: Uh...

Piggy: ...are ya blushin'??

Glider: ...bye!

Glider: [hops off a nearby cliff and glides away]

Piggy: ...

Piggy: This counts as me winnin' th' argument, though, right? Because I smurf like it should count.

Glider: [hits straight into a tree in the distance and falls to the ground, because he was distracted watching Piggy]

Glider: I'm okay!

Piggy: Yeah, I definitely won that.

Chapter 13: He's Wild But A Sweetheart

What Feral does: [shoves a stick in somesmurf's face while they're crying]

What Feral means: Can I offer you a nice stick in this trying time?

Chapter 14: He May Not BE Vanity, But He Most Certainly HAS Vanity

Rev: You smurf very handsome tonight. And I smurf absolutely smurftastic! Have you smurfed my skin? This night air is so good for–

Glider: You know, chief, if you'd just smurfed that I smurfed handsome, I would have smurfed, "Thanks, so do you," and we could've been done with this a lot faster.

Rev: ...

Rev: [rapidly tries to process the idea that a conversation about appearance could take only a few seconds of time]

Rev: [fails]

Rev: Yeah, see, that doesn't actually smurf any sense, though???

Chapter 15: Reversal Believes In A Healthy Amount Of Self Love — This Can Easily Be Weaponized

Haberdasher: Care to smurf an extra sample to a pretty Smurf, luv?

Piggy, manning a bake sale and tired of everysmurf's shit: Sure! Ya know one?

Haberdasher: ...

Haberdasher: Care to smurf an extra sample to an ugly Smurf, luv?

Piggy: ...

Piggy, grinning maliciously: Hey, Chief!

Haberdasher, panicked: Wait no–

Rev: Huh?

Piggy, faux concerned: Haberdasher jus' smurfed me that he tinks he's ugly.

Rev: [horrified gasp]

Haberdasher, sighing: [to Piggy] Why are you like this?

Piggy, shrugging: It's funny?

Rev, picking up Haberdasher and hugging him tightly: I don't know who smurfed you such terrible things, but you are my friend and I don't smurf friends with ugly people. You are beautiful and you are loved and you are so so special and–

Haberdasher: This is simultaneously the sweetest and most confusing moment of my life.

Chapter 16: I Like Coffee, I Like Tea, I Like Toys And They Like Me (I Can't Remember Where That's From, But It Is A Lot Of Fun)

Glider: My ultimate goal is to smurf God in the eye, just to spite him one last time.

Piggy: Aaaan' this is why I don't interact wit' ya until after coffee.

Chapter 17: Kindred Spirits

Piggy: If I can't smurf tiny bits of chaos every day, I tink my body might actually smurf down.

Haberdasher: I smurf what you mean, my dear.

Haberdasher: After all, the smurf of life is to smurf a bit of a splash, in'it?

Piggy: Oh, I couldn't agree more. That and smurfin' how many times I c'n make somesmurf yell 'what th' smurf is wrong' wit' ya?!' in a single sentence.

Haberdasher: Ah well, of course. Life should never be without a bit a fun, wut?

//Loud explosion in distance

Glider, walking in while holding up a flightsuit covered in pink glitter: PIGGY, WHAT THE ACTUAL SMURF IS WRONG WITH YOU??? This was my only clean suit!

Piggy: [giggle-snorts]

Glider: I have a flight show in an hour.

Haberdasher: [falls over laughing]

Chapter 18: Cheshire Would Like To File A Complaint

Cheshire: I don't want to smurf about physics! I don't smurf anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really smurfing for too much?

Rev: Yes, as a matter of smurf, it is!

Cheshire: Well, smurf what? Science is stupid!!

Rev: [gasps] Back that smurf you!!!

Cheshire: No. Magic is awesome. Science blows. The end.

Chapter 19: What Happened Right Before This? Who Knows! I Certainly Don't

Piggy: Ya wanna fight?! Ya got one!

Haberdasher, unsure but angry enough to go with it: Happy to oblige, my dear! [raises fists]

Rev, sighing: Feral! Come smurf Dash's life, would you?

[Feral runs in, scoops Haberdasher up in his arms, and runs away carrying him]

Piggy: ...

Haberdasher: Hey, smurf me down! I have an uncivil altercation to win, wut?

Feral: [disapproving gibbering noises]

Haberdasher, defensively: I could have won!

Glider, who was previously perched above them: [falls to the floor laughing]

Chapter 20: Haberdasher Considers His Friends' Love Of Coffee A Minor But Terrible Betrayal

Rev, at Starburst Coffee: ¿stohs osserpse neves ,mu ,htiw ettal allinav itnev a frums I naC

Barista: What???

Piggy: He smurfs a small coffee wit' milk, no sugar.

Rev: But–

Piggy: Nope, y're hyper enough already.

Rev: You're really one to smurf about hyper–

Piggy: Take th' coffee or I'm lettin' Dashie restrict ya ta tea.

Rev: ...

Rev, to Barista: What she smurfed.

Chapter 21: Random But So, So, SO Him

Glider: I'd roast you, but my mom smurfs you shouldn't burn trash.

Glider: [slow-mo moonwalks out of the room]

Chapter 22: The First Time That Pigtails And Glider Met

Rev: Can't we all just smurf along?

Piggy, to Glider: I hate ya!

Glider: Well I hate you!

Rev: Wow, smurf at that! You two smurf so much in common already!

Piggy and Glider: NO WE DON'T, YOU SMURF THAT BACK–

Piggy and Glider: Hey, stop copying me!

Piggy and Glider: No, you stop copying me!

//Friendship ensues

Chapter 23: Communication Issues

Glider: Now it's time for some witty back and forth banter. You smurf first.

Feral, banging his chest with both fists and swinging around the room: [wild squirrel noises, grunts, howls, and gibbering]

Glider: See, I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to smurf to that...

Chapter 24: My Characters Insisted On Growth

Glider: [shows off a new aerial stunt] So? What do you smurf?

Piggy: Are ya alright wit' constructive criticism? I don't wanna smurf mean.

Glider: No no, smurf ahead. I want to smurf it.

Piggy: It sucks.

Glider: That's not constructive.

Piggy, winking and making finger guns: But it is criticism!

Glider, unimpressed: I get it, okay? You don't like me. There's no need to smurf it in.

Piggy: What?

Glider, walking off: [muttering to himself] Why I thought you'd smurf anything else, I don't even know...

Piggy, grabbing his arm: Hey, wait!

Glider, snapping: What?

Piggy: I... I was jus' jokin', Glider. Of course I like ya.

Glider: No you don't. You're always smurfing with me, and insulting my stunts, and–

Piggy: I was riffin' on ya! That's what friends do!

Piggy: Ya know, I take a shot at yer flyin', ya take one at my balancin' act–

Glider: But I don't smurf any shots at your act.

Piggy: ...huh. Ya don't, do ya?

Glider: No, I don't! Because friends are supposed to encourage and compliment each other! Not make them smurf like their skills are crap!

Piggy: Yer skills aren't crap! Y're th' best flyer I've ever smurfed, better'n birds themselves are! Better'n Pilot, even!

Glider, taken aback: You really smurf that?

Piggy: Of course I do.

Glider, frustrated: Then why don't you ever smurf me that?!

Piggy: I thought ya knew!

Glider, rolling his eyes: Oh yeah, because you made yourself so clear by constantly insulting my stunts.

Piggy: ...

Piggy, tearing up: I'm sorry. I'm... I'm so sorry.

Glider: Hey, hey, it's okay! It's okay.

Glider, chuckling: I mean, I just smurfed out that you don't hate me, so it's... it's great, actually.

Glider, holding his hand out: Friends?

Piggy: [grabs his hand and pulls him into a hug]

Piggy: Always, wingman.

Chapter 25: Return Of The Halloween Smurf

Haberdasher: I’m proud to smurf that I’ve completely overcome my fear of ghosts!

Boo: [politely waves hello]

Haberdasher: [screams and jumps into the air]

Smurflings: [all look up]

Rev: .pmuj nac yllaer eh ,woW

Glider: Yeah, I don't smurf I could get that high even with my glider...

Piggy: Ope, here he comes.

Rev: Feral, if you would?

Feral: [salutes]

Feral: [climbs up a building, jumps off of it, catches Haberdasher midair, rolls to the ground perfectly safe]

Haberdasher: ...Perhaps 'completely overcome' was a tad overoptimistic of me, wut?

Chapter 26: Aristotle And Chipotle

Haberdasher, holding up his study notes: And here is a doodle of a burrito because when I first read Smurfistotle, I thought it was pronounced like “Smurfotle”.

Haberdasher, in shock: Wait a minute, is it “Smurf-o-tottle”?

Chapter 27: Aristotle And Chipotle

Haberdasher, holding up his study notes: And here is a doodle of a burrito because when I first read Smurfistotle, I thought it was pronounced like “Smurfotle”.

Haberdasher, in shock: Wait a moment, is it “Smurf-o-tottle”?

Chapter 28: He Has Two Modes, Cheerful And Panicked, And There Is No In-Between

Piggy: Let’s not Haberdasher this inta a worse situation than it already is.

Haberdasher: Pardon, I couldn't help but overhear and did you just smurf my name as a verb?

Piggy: Uh...

Haberdasher: What, what would that even mean??

Glider: Means you panic like crazy everytime something goes wrong.

Haberdasher: I do not!

Rev, casually: Oh look, Security Smurf is smurfing over.

Haberdasher, dropping to the ground and tugging his hat over his eyes: WE'RE DOOMED!

Smurflings: ...

Haberdasher: ...he's not smurfing over, is he?

Feral, shaking his head: Nuh-uh.

Haberdasher: Forgive my language, my dear compatriots, but SMURF ALL OF YOU.

Chapter 29: Cats Are Food Motivated

Cheshire: Oh, so you smurrrfed it safely out of Garrrgamel's lairrr, I take it?

Glider: There's no need to smurf so disappointed.

Cheshire: Did you brrring me a snack?

Glider: No–

Haberdasher, happily waving around some weird plants he stole from Gargamel: Yes indeed we did, old mate! 

Cheshire: Then I'm not disappointed.

Chapter 30: Motivations

Piggy: Do it for the lulz.

Glider: Do it for the thrill.

Haberdasher: Do it with style and flair.

Cheshire: Do it if you can get food out of it.

Rev: Do it to see if you can.

Feral: [thinks hard for a moment]

Feral: [gathers everyone in a group hug]

Haberdasher: ...I do believe his motivation wins, wut?

Smurflings: [nod in agreement]

Feral: [happy squirrel child noises]

Chapter 31: He Panics Easily, But That Hardly Makes Him A Coward

Cheshire: Everrr so sorrrry that I'm late, everrrysmurrrf, I was doing stuff.

Glider: YOU SMURFED ME OFF A SMURFING ROOF!

Haberdasher: Chess!

Cheshire: Don't look at me like that, dearrr. He has a gliding suit, doesn't he?

Haberdasher, glaring at him: Apologize to our friend.

Cheshire, amused: Excuse me?

Haberdasher: [keeps glaring]

Cheshire: That's not how this worrrks, Dash.

Haberdasher: [stares him down]

Cheshire: ...

Smurflings: [watch in hesitant fascination and disbelief]

Cheshire, ears pinning back: Oh fine, alrrright. Gliderrr, you have my sincerrrest apologies.

Haberdasher: And?

Cheshire, sighing: Frrriends don't smurrrf frrriends off of rrrooftops, no matterrr how annoying they arrre.

Haberdasher, crossing his arms: And?

Cheshire: [growls]

Haberdasher, more insistently: And?

Cheshire, through gritted teeth: And you arrre my frrriend, Gliderrr. Somehow. So I should be [fake gags] nice to you.

Cheshire, to Haberdasher: Happy now?

Haberdasher: Yes, quite happy in fact. Thank you.

Haberdasher, to Glider: And do you have something to smurf, Glider?

Glider, still shocked: What? Oh, right, uh...

Glider, to Cheshire: A-apology accepted? I guess?

Cheshire, deadpan: How wonderrrful. Now I can sleep at night, knowing I am forrrgiven.

Haberdasher: [looks inordinately pleased with himself]

Chapter 32: A Merry Band Of Adventurers, They Are

Piggy: Fer safety trainin' reasons, I'm gonna pretend ta be a burglar an' ya've gotta act wisely.

Other Smurflings: Okay

Piggy: If ya don't wanna get hurt, give me all yer valuables.

Rev, in a cheerful and placating tone while he slowly reaches into his backpack as if to remove valuables from it: .kcapkcab ym fo tuo dnah ym ekat I sa noos sa meht pmuj ,syug yakO

Piggy: Wait wait, hold up–

Piggy: What in the world was that??

Rev: Most people aren't used to the way I smurf. In an emergency situation, I'd just play up the 'false Smurfling with the reversed brain' thing and smurf you guys instructions secretly.

Piggy: Rev, that's not how this–

Feral, seeing that Rev has taken his hand out of his backpack by now: [tackles Piggy]

Glider: ...Well, it smurfs effective to me!

Chapter 33: Responses To Finding Out They're The Chosen One

Glider: I won't let you down!

Feral: 'Kay.

Piggy: Sure, smurfs like fun!

Cheshire: Nope. [fades away]

Haberdasher: O-oh. [nervous chuckling] Thank you, that's a very kind offer, but, er... Must I be..?

Rev: Please, god, I am so tired.

JK, Rev would actually be like: Hmm? Oh, again? Neat.

And the rest of the Smurflings would go: What do you smurf, 'again'????

And Rev would say: Guys, I smurfed with a band of crazy adventurers for five years, there's very little that I haven't smurfed already.

Chapter 34: Time And The Hatter Never Get On Very Well, Do They?

Glider, annoyed: Dash is late again.

Rev: How did this happen? I smurfed him at 8 o’clock this morning and pretended it was 11.

Piggy: Ya did? Well, I smurfed up a fake schedule fer him sayin' we were startin' at 9 insteada noon.

Glider: Oh smurf, tell me you didn't.

Rev and Piggy: [look at him warily]

Glider: I smurfed his clock to say PM when it’s really AM!

Cheshire, chuckling: Dearrr me, it appearrrs we may have overrrdone it, a bit.

Haberdasher: [bursts in through the door]

Haberdasher, disheveled and with one eye twitching: WHAT YEAR IS IT?!

Rev: No... No, this is the exact right amount of done it.

Smurflings: [vague noises of agreement]

Chapter 35: Tyrannosmurfus Rex

Rev: .drow gnol a deen I

Haberdasher: T-rex but the long one.

Chapter 36: The Master Of Stalling

Villain: Any last words?

Haberdasher: Do you smurf I'm cute? Be honest.

Villain: What–

Villain: [gets tackled by Feral]

Haberdasher, grinning: I'm sorry, my good sir, but I'm afraid I can't undersmurf when you're getting beat up like that. Do speak up a bit, wut?

Villain: You crazy little– [gets punched by Feral] Fuck!

Haberdasher, sipping tea he got from... somewhere: Yes, so I've been told.

Villain: I'm going to– [Feral bites him] YOWCH!

Haberdasher: [hums consideringly] Well, good luck with that, dear. [loud slurp]

Chapter 37: It Works Either Way

Somesmurf: You're violent.

Piggy: Yeah but I'm short, so it's endearin'.

--alt--

Somesmurf: You're violent.

Cheshire: Yes, but I'm also a cat, so it's adorrrable.

Chapter 38: Loud And Proud Crime Against Fashion

Haberdasher: I’m afraid of clowns. There, I smurfed it.

Glider: Dash, if you don't like clowns, why are you smurfing with Piggy?

Haberdasher: She drives my dear brother Tailor up the wall by smurfing sequins and glitter to all my clothing. [grins] And I do believe that makes it quite worth it, wut wut?

Chapter 39: I'm Actually Posting This Really Fast, Wow

Rev: So what’s the plan?

Glider: I don’t know, chief. You’re smart, [points at Piggy] she's ruthless, smurf up with something.

Cheshire: That smurrrfs like a terrrrible plan.

Haberdasher: Oh, we've had worse, mate.

Chapter 40: So This One Smurfed Away From Me, A Bit

Piggy: Smurfed a dumbass today. Awful.

Glider, smirking: You smurfed in a mirror?

Piggy: Someday ya will hafta answer fer yer actions, an' god may not be so merciful as I am.

Glider: Relax, Pigtails, you weren't the one I was insulting. [points]

Piggy: What, who else could ya have been–? [looks where he's pointing and sees Rev] Ohhhh.

Rev: [makes a rude gesture]

Glider: Has anysmurf ever smurfed you that frowning smurfs out the wrinkles by your eyes?

Rev: [gasps and dramatically clutches at his chest]

Glider, to Piggy: Hey, what do you smurf? Insulting your friends is fun!

Glider and Piggy: [start giggling]

Rev, on the outside: [calmly watches them while frowning disapprovingly]

Rev, internally: [starts plotting long-form revenge scheme]

Rev, much later, to a very confused and slime-covered Glider and Piggy: Has anysmurf ever smurfed you that smurfing there with your mouths open makes you smurf like utter fools?

Glider: What– [remembers] THAT WAS THREE MONTHS AGO!

Rev: Limit time no has beauty.

Piggy, squeezing slime out of her pigtails: I do hope ya smurf that this means war, chief.

Rev, eyes narrowed: Bring it.

//A few weeks later

Alchemist, to the village: Smurfing today, all prank wars must be sanctioned by Warrior or I, and cannot smurf on for more than three days at a time.

Village Smurfs: It's a nice thought, but... [much gesturing towards the resident prank Smurf]

Jokey, frowning seriously: Nope, I'm wit' th' Redcaps dis time.

Village Smurfs: Really???

Jokey: [holds up a glitter-covered Piggy by the back of her overalls] Ya wanna smurf 'em, liddle sis?

Piggy, pouting and crossing her arms: They woulda smurfed outta that chest eventually...

Jokey: Before or after th' hornets got 'em?

Piggy: Like ya haven't smurfed worse!

Jokey: THAT IS BESIDES TH' POINT!

Chapter 41: It Was Just A Very HER Line

Someone: You played me!

Piggy: Like th' cheap kazoo ya are!

Chapter 42: Self Care

Rev: Self care is stuff like smurfing a bubble bath, or smurfing on a lot of make-up, or smurfing some nice new clothes.

Glider: Self care is the burning thrill when the air smurfs past you. Self care is when you smurf the ground spiralling up at you, only to then smurf up at the very. Last. Second. Self care is the fear in your belly and the freedom in your blood!

Haberdasher: Self care is sharing a good snack on a lovely day. :)

Cheshire: If you smurrrf my snacks I’ll shrrred everrry hat you own. :)

Haberdasher, pale-faced: [quickly] Tea! Self care is tea!

Cheshire: Self carrre is a good nap, actually. But good trrry, my dearrr.

Piggy: Self care is smurfing yerself permission ta be yer raw, unfiltered, ridiculous self no matter who's smurfing.

Glider: Wow, that's actually pretty deep, Pigtails.

Piggy: T'anks, wingman. I learned it from my big bro.

Glider: ...didn't he recently get assigned community service for blowing up the grainhouse?

Piggy, shrugging: Yeah, but he was ridiculously himself while smurfin' it, so...

Feral: [confused gibbering] Se-elf ca-are??

Piggy: Ya know, th' t'ings ya smurf ta make yerself happy an' smurf yer mood up. Th' ways ya check in on yerself.

Feral: ...OH! [excited grunting and jumping around]

Glider, chuckling: You smurf something like that, Feral?

Feral: Yeah, yeah, yeah! [runs off]

Feral, coming back moments later, followed by three squirrels: Watch, watch.

Feral: [curls up in a giant cuddle pile with his squirrel siblings and gives a happy, counted sigh] Sooooft.

Smurflings: ...

Haberdasher: However does he keep winning these things?

Smurflings: [shrugging and 'idk' sounds]

Chapter 43: She's Pretty Much An Escaped Clown From A Gremlin Circus

Glider: Something smurfs me that Pig's going to be a bit more unhinged today...

Piggy, holding a lit match and a bag of juggling balls: Leave me be, wingman. Rev ain't home ta stop me, I'm goin' feral.

Chapter 44: This Is Why Rev's The Leader

Haberdasher: Why would anyone not like Pigtails?

Glider: Maybe because they met her?

Piggy: Smurf ya, wingman.

Glider, slyly: After all, nosmurf could merely like her after actually smurfing her. You either love her or you hate her — there's no in-between.

Piggy: ...how th' actual smurf am I supposed to respond to THAT!?

Glider, to Haberdasher: Told you I could make her blush if you smurfed that.

Haberdasher: And right you were, my friend. Wow, I didn't think that Smurfs could smurf that purple...

Piggy: SMURF BOTH OF YOU.

Glider, scoffing: Somesmurf's daydreaming.

Piggy: What?

Haberdasher: [chokes]

Piggy, going bright violet in realization: YA CAN'T JUS' SMURF T'INGS LIKE THAT, WINGMAN!

Glider, smugly: I am the wit master. All hail me.

Piggy: Grrrr, Chess!

Glider: ...what.

Piggy: C'n ya smurf Glider off th' roof again?!

Haberdasher: I second that request, mate!

Cheshire: [fades into view]

Glider: ...uh-oh.

Cheshire, grinning sharply: Well, howeverrr can I deny such a smurrrfy rrrequest?

Glider, running away: Wait no–

//Later

Rev, firmly: Okay, now smurf it again.

Piggy, Haberdasher, and Cheshire: [pouting] We don't smurf our friends off the roof.

Rev, to Glider: You and?

Glider, sighing: I don't smurf sexually suggestive remarks to my friends to smurf bets.

Rev, nodding: Good. Now one more time, everysmurf–

Smurflings, So Over This: Teasing only goes so far, real friends smurf about each other's feelings and well-being. We're a unit, not enemies.

Rev, grinning brightly: Good very! Now hug and make up.

Smurflings: [various degrees of 'nope']

Rev: I can still go smurf all of our parents and the Redcaps about this, you know.

Smurflings: [immediately exchange hugs, apologies, and "don't worry about it"s]

Chapter 45: When The Thrill-Seeker Is The Grounded One

Glider: This situation can’t possibly smurf any crazier.

Piggy, cheerfully: Sure it can, wingman.

Haberdasher: Afford us but a minute and we will smurf you.

Glider: Please don't– Aaaand, they're already unicycling towards the danger. Okay, this is fine, I can smurf with this– Oh smurf.

Glider, running after them: WAIT NO DON'T GLITTER BOMB THE CAT!

Chapter 46: My Overconfidence Comes Off As Cocky, But It Gives Me The Courage To Sail

Haberdasher: You really smurf such high confidence in Glider?

Rev: Well, yes, but that doesn't really matter.

Haberdasher: Whyever not?

Glider: [whoops in exhilaration as he performs a threading-the-needle sort of stunt with a high risk of crashing, and saves Piggy without a hitch because he doesn't flinch at a critical moment]

Rev, grinning: Because he believes in himself enough for two Smurfs, no matter how anysmurf else feels about it.

Chapter 47: They Make A Good Team... Theoretically

Glider: I think we smurfed fairly well on that anatomy quiz! We're gonna win the contest for sure.

Piggy: ...whoops.

Glider, worried: Piggy..?

Piggy: I, um, sorta forgot that wasn't a practice quiz...

Glider, horrified: Piggy!

Piggy, whispering regretfully: I said th' vertebrae was th' back stick because I thought it was funny....

Glider, in defeat: Piggy...

Chapter 48: There's No Top Like Over-The-Top

Rev, planning a group disguise: You cannot be Blake Bortles.

Haberdasher: Fine! Then I’ll be Jake–

Rev, under his breath: .seltroJ frums t'noD

Haberdasher: –Jortles! I'm a chronically sleep deprived everysmurf who dreams of completing my novel, but I'm tragically held back by my day job working at the molotov cocktail department.

Rev: No, that's way too– department what the, wait?

Haberdasher, holding up a match and a bottle: FIRE

Piggy, immediately: YES

Rev: NO

Chapter 49: Accidents Will Happen

Haberdasher: [accidentally spills tea on Rev's backpack and ruins several saddle blueprints]

Haberdasher, in shock: ...he's going smurf me to a pulp. [strained chuckle]

Glider, dryly: Oh, no, Rev wouldn't smurf you.

Haberdasher, hopeful: You really smurf that?

Glider: Of course! He'd never risk smurfing blood on his hat.

Glider: He's going to have Feral do it.

Haberdasher, pulling his hat as low over his head as he can get it: [more strained chuckling]

//Later

Rev, upon discovering his ruined work: [of course he doesn't harm his friend but he does yell at him for about twenty straight minutes]

Rev, holding his backpack close to his chest like a beloved friend: [to Haberdasher] I'm sorry. Overreaction an was... [breathes deeply] That was an overreaction.

Haberdasher, wide-eyed: I-I didn't know half of those curse words existed...

Rev: Why does everysmurf keep forgetting I lived with sailors?

Rev: Also I have most of Vanity's Smurflinghood memories, and he has a filthier mouth than people smurf him credit for.

Haberdasher, genuinely sad: ...I'm ever so sorry about the backpack, my dear friend.

Rev: Yeah, well... [sighs]

Rev, smiling: Accidents happen, right?

Haberdasher: Pardon me, but I'm going to need you to confirm that you aren't subtly threatening my hat.

Rev, blinking rapidly: ¿¿¿tahw-W

Haberdasher: My best friend is an entirely mad catsmurf with little-to-no respect for boundaries.

Rev: No, no threats! I'm forgiving you!

Haberdasher, breathing out a sigh and wiping his brow: Well, that's certainly a relief, wut?

Haberdasher: [happy hat Smurf noises]

Rev: [confused and worried mirror Smurf noises]

Chapter 50: Animal Smurfs

Alchemist: You went into a human village without supervision… to smurf into a pet store??

Rev, sheepishly: We smurfed the animals might be lonely.

Feral: [growls in agreement]

Chapter 51: Haberdasher Tries To Keep Up A Gentlesmurf Air. Piggy's General Existence Gets In The Way Of This

Haberdasher, crossing his arms sternly: I assume you realize that this kind of uncivilized behavior will not be tolerated in this treehouse, dear girl?

Piggy, balancing a series of dishes on a stick with her foot while she does a headstand on three balls on top of a unicycle: Well, is there any kinda uncivilized behavior ya'd be more comfortable wit', Dashie?

Chapter 52: Both Can Be True

Piggy: We hava lotta fun, don’t we, Dashie?

Haberdasher: I had never smurfed this stressed-out in my entire life, before befriending all of you.

Haberdasher: But also yes.

Chapter 53: This Is One Of The Longest Incorrect Quotes Fics I've Done In A WHILE

Cheshire: You arrre irrrrrationally and overrrly happy, anxious, and perrrforrrmative 365 days a yearrr. You arrre physically incapable of smurrrfing things serrriously.

Haberdasher: I beg your pardon my dear friend, but I do believe that’s just your personal opinion. I don’t smurf any issues with smurfing things seriously. Do you guys think I smurf issues smurfing things seriously?

Piggy: Well, I wouldn’t really smurf it an issue.

Haberdasher, to Cheshire: See?

Glider: Yeah, an issue is something you can fix.

Haberdasher, with an over-the-top look of offense: [gasps and puts his hand on his forehead] Betrayed by my own compatriots. However did it come to this? What choices could I have smurfed differently... to... [trails off midsentence]

Smurflings: [flat looks]

Haberdasher, chuckling sheepishly: Well, erm, perhaps you do smurf a bit of a point...

Chapter 54: Return Of Haberdasher's Love Of Acting!

Glider, spiraling near-uncontrollably into as safe a crash landing as he can manage: Smurf outta the way!

Haberdasher: Huh? [gets hit head-on by Glider]

Glider, sitting on the ground with an unconscious Haberdasher laying across his lap: Oh no. Please don’t be dead. Chess will not be happy if you're dead...

Haberdasher: [groans weakly]

Glider, slumping in relief: Oh thank smurf.

Haberdasher: What? What is that I see?

Glider: Huh?

Haberdasher: It's a light! No, no I mustn't smurf towards it! [shakily puts a hand on his forehead] It is not yet my time, I am too young to smurf that maker of makers above, I–

Glider, pushing him off his lap: Yeah, you're fine.

Haberdasher: [rolls around on the ground and giggles]